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Debugging My 11-Month-Old Baby's First Guitar Playing Setup
Yesterday at exactly 4:13 PM, my daughter attempted to eat the low E string off my Martin acoustic dreadnought. I was sitting on the rug in our living roomβwhich I keep at a very precise, data-backed 68.5 degrees for best...
Surviving the Inevitable Baby Keyboard Smash in My Home Office
"asdfghjkl;'" was the exact, unedited message I sent to my accountant last Tuesday at 9:14 AM. I'd love to claim it was an avant-garde statement about the futility of modern tax law, but the truth is considerably shorter, louder, and...
The Viral Fidget Toy You Should Never Give Your Teething Infant
It was 2:14 PM on a Tuesday and I was wearing my husband Dave's faded college sweatshirt that smells faintly of old garlic, desperately sweeping my hand across our living room rug like a frantic human metal detector. I was...
Raising a Gemini Baby Without Losing Your Mind Or All Your Friends
"Don't tell Mr. Henderson that his grass looks like garbage. I don't care if that's what Daddy said in the kitchen, you keep your mouth shut because your wife is my friend and I've to sit next to her at...
What the Clairo Nepo Baby Drama Taught Me About Parenting
The internet wants you to believe the only way to give your kid a leg up in life is to be a multi-millionaire marketing executive who plays golf with record label CEOs. I know this because at 6:13 AM this...
My Strange Internet Rabbit Hole: The Beanie Baby Payhip Search
I was standing in the kitchen at 11:42 AM on a Tuesday, wearing my husband's college sweatpants that have a mysterious bleach stain on the left knee, holding a mug of coffee that had been microwaved three separate times since...
Dear past Priya: The Mattel distribution delusion was a mistake
I'm staring at a municipal zoning map of Cook County at three in the morning with half a cold samosa in my hand, trying to figure out if our detached garage qualifies as a commercial loading dock. This is where...
The Truth About Character Stuffed Animals And Nursery Aesthetics
My heel just found the exact center of a plastic cartoon pup's hard little nose at six in the morning, and as I hopped around the dark living room stifling a scream so I wouldn't wake the baby, I realized...
Spielsachen 4 Jahre: The Truth About Toys For Four-Year-Olds
The most successful grift in the modern parenting industrial complex is the word "educational" slapped on a box containing a plastic, seizure-inducing nightmare. You know the exact toy I'm talking about. Itβs usually shaped like a dog or a heavily...