Reality TV Night Nannies and the 3AM Panic of Keeping Humans Alive
It's currently 3:14 AM. I've a cold, half-eaten chocolate digestive in my dressing gown pocket, and I'm locked in a tense negotiation with a two-year-old about why we can't eat the dog's ear drops. In the background, my phone screen...
My Very Messy Experience With MegaFood Supplements For Mom And Baby
It was a random Tuesday in November, roughly 7:14 AM, and I was standing in my horribly lit downstairs guest bathroom wearing exactly one sock and a wildly oversized promotional t-shirt with a mustard stain on the hem. I was...
The hospital triage guide to surviving newborn baby kleding
It was 3:14 AM when I finally understood what true defeat tasted like. I was standing over a changing pad in the dark, wrestling with a pair of miniature denim overalls made for a creature that weighed eight pounds. The...
A letter to myself about the absolute farce of finding rare baby gi...
Dear Tom of exactly six months ago, You're currently sitting on the floor of the hallway, a chewed-up blue biro in your mouth, staring at a stack of nursery registration forms while Twin B attempts to post half a soggy...
Why we sing about dropping infants from trees at 3 AM
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I was covered in a suspicious damp patch that smelled faintly of sour milk and sheer defeat. Florence was doing her absolute best impression of a dying swan, arching her back with...
The midnight debugging of the rockabye baby lyrics
It's exactly 3:14 AM. The rain in Portland is doing that aggressive, sideways thing against the nursery window, and my son is currently running his four-month firmware update, which apparently means his system has completely forgotten how to execute a...
Spoiled By My Billionaire Baby Daddy: The Real Truth About Luxury
I was standing at the kitchen island at eleven o'clock last night, aggressively scrubbing dried sweet potato off a highchair tray with a sponge that had definitely seen better days, when my phone auto-played a clip from that ridiculous viral...
The Newborn Spreadsheets: Confessions of a Recovering Stat Baby Obs...
Dear Tom from two and a half years ago, You're currently sitting in the glow of your phone screen in the hallway outside the nursery, aggressively logging "three minutes of unsettled grizzling" into an app that costs Β£4.99 a month....
The "Maybe Baby" Fantasy vs. Bringing Home Your Actual Newborn
It was 3:17 in the morning, and the blue light from my smartphone was practically burning my retinas as I sat in the rocking chair, desperately trying to log exactly how many ounces of breastmilk my oldest had just choked...