Magazine
Britney Spears Hit Me Baby One More Time: A Dad's Sleep Hack
Dear Marcus from six months ago. It's 3:14 AM, you're currently standing by the changing table in the dark, and you're holding a five-month-old who's screaming at a frequency that's definitely violating several local Portland noise ordinances. You have tried...
My Kids Discovered Britney Spears Baby One More Time (Oh God)
It was exactly 7:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I was standing in front of the coffee maker wearing my husband Dave's old Syracuse sweatpantsβthe ones with the mysterious hardened yogurt stain on the left kneeβwhen I heard it. Maya,...
The messy reality of bringing up baby on zero sleep
I spent six years working the pediatric floor at Rush, so you'd think buckling my own three-day-old son into his car seat would feel routine. It didn't. My husband was driving twenty miles an hour on the Kennedy expressway, knuckles...
Why the True Story of Brenda's Got A Baby Changed My Parenting
It was 3:14 AM. I know the exact time because I track every single one of my son's sleep disturbances in a spreadsheet, like some sort of deranged data analyst trying to find a pattern in pure chaos. I was...
Debugging the Bratty G Baby Phase Before You Lose Your Mind
Yesterday, my 11-month-old threw a shoe at my head because I wouldn't let him eat a handful of potting soil, which prompted three completely different unsolicited diagnoses from the people in my life. My mom, who aggressively refers to him...
Debugging the Pinterest Algorithm: Our Boy Baby Shower Theme Saga
It was 10:42 PM on a Tuesday when the algorithm finally broke me. My wife, Sarah, was asleep on my shoulder, but her phone was still unlocked in her hand, illuminating the dark bedroom with an endless, scrolling matrix of...
Surviving The Boss Bitch Baby Phase Without Losing Your Dignity
Tuesday, 6:14 AM. The sun hasn't quite breached the London skyline, but my flat is already the site of a hostile corporate takeover. Clementine is standing in her cot, holding a soggy rice cake like a gavel, demanding that I...
What the Blueface Baby Tabloid Drama Actually Taught Me About Safety
My mom called me last week in an absolute panic saying I needed to delete my apps because parents were chucking their infants at walls, my neighbor Sarah cornered me at the mailbox to tell me belly button hernias mean...
Why searching blue baby isaac at 2am will terrify you
It was 3 a.m. in our Chicago townhouse, the exact hour when every shadow in the nursery looks like a critical medical emergency. I was standing over the crib, staring at my four-month-old son's mouth, convinced his upper lip looked...