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A faded yellow diamond sign melting onto the back window of a dusty family car

A Letter to Past Me About That Melting Baby on Board Sticker

Dear Tom of Six Months Ago, You're currently standing in the drizzle outside the Tesco Extra in Purley, holding a half-eaten, saliva-dissolved rice cake in your left hand while using the thumbnail of your right hand to furiously scrape at...

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Two toddler girls destroying a nursery painted in the wrong shade of baby pink

The Absolute Madness of Picking the Right Baby Pink Color Code

I'm standing in the paint aisle of B&Q at 8:15 on a Tuesday, trying to wipe half-digested porridge off my trousers, when the teenager behind the mixing counter asks me which specific shade of pale pink I want. I look...

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A baby resting their chin on their hand looking deeply thoughtful

Why The Baby Thinking Meme Is Actually Real Life In Our House

It's 3:14 AM on a particularly damp Tuesday in London, and I'm currently locked in a psychological standoff with a 14-pound dictator. The house is completely silent, save for the distant hum of a night bus and the sound of...

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A tired dad staring at a grainy ultrasound photo of twins on a kitchen table.

The Midnight Delusion of Finding a Flawless Baby Gender Predictor

It's 2:14 in the morning, and I'm standing in our freezing London kitchen dangling my wife's wedding ring on a piece of mint-flavored dental floss over her slightly convex stomach. She is entirely ignoring me, aggressively eating pickled onions straight...

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Exhausted dad staring at a spreadsheet of rare names while holding a teething twin

A letter to myself about the absolute farce of finding rare baby gi...

Dear Tom of exactly six months ago, You're currently sitting on the floor of the hallway, a chewed-up blue biro in your mouth, staring at a stack of nursery registration forms while Twin B attempts to post half a soggy...

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Tired father holding twin babies while looking exhausted in a dark nursery

The 3AM Cot Politician: Surviving the Baby Sleep Regression Ages

It's 3:14 AM on a Tuesday. The rain is lashing against our bedroom window in that specifically spiteful London way, and I'm standing in the dark watching my daughter Alice perform a flawless impression of a miniature, furious politician. She...

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Confused London dad looking at a screeching bald baby pukeko in a ditch

Letter to Myself: Surviving the Baby Pukeko Encounter

Dear Tom of six months ago, You're currently sitting on the floor of the flat in Hackney, aggressively trying to cram forty-two nappies and a mountain of wipes into a suitcase that was clearly designed for a weekend in Paris,...

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Sleep-deprived dad searching for baby png graphics on laptop

The Baby PNG Trap: Surviving Aesthetic Nursery Design Nightmares

It's 3:14 AM, the rain is lashing against the single-glazed window of our Victorian terrace, and I'm desperately trying to operate a trackpad with my left elbow. One twin (let’s call her M) is draped across my chest, leaking a...

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Toddler mid-tantrum on a living room rug next to a plush teething toy

Who Are The Baby Monster Members? (From K-Pop To Toddler Tantrums)

Yesterday at a Sunday pub roast, over a sticky table covered in mashed peas, I casually mentioned we were dealing with a massive "baby monster" situation at home. I received three entirely contradictory pieces of advice in the span of...

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