A Letter to Past Me About That Melting Baby on Board Sticker
Dear Tom of Six Months Ago, You're currently standing in the drizzle outside the Tesco Extra in Purley, holding a half-eaten, saliva-dissolved rice cake in your left hand while using the thumbnail of your right hand to furiously scrape at...
The Absolute Madness of Picking the Right Baby Pink Color Code
I'm standing in the paint aisle of B&Q at 8:15 on a Tuesday, trying to wipe half-digested porridge off my trousers, when the teenager behind the mixing counter asks me which specific shade of pale pink I want. I look...
Why The Baby Thinking Meme Is Actually Real Life In Our House
It's 3:14 AM on a particularly damp Tuesday in London, and I'm currently locked in a psychological standoff with a 14-pound dictator. The house is completely silent, save for the distant hum of a night bus and the sound of...
The Midnight Delusion of Finding a Flawless Baby Gender Predictor
It's 2:14 in the morning, and I'm standing in our freezing London kitchen dangling my wife's wedding ring on a piece of mint-flavored dental floss over her slightly convex stomach. She is entirely ignoring me, aggressively eating pickled onions straight...
A letter to myself about the absolute farce of finding rare baby gi...
Dear Tom of exactly six months ago, You're currently sitting on the floor of the hallway, a chewed-up blue biro in your mouth, staring at a stack of nursery registration forms while Twin B attempts to post half a soggy...
The 3AM Cot Politician: Surviving the Baby Sleep Regression Ages
It's 3:14 AM on a Tuesday. The rain is lashing against our bedroom window in that specifically spiteful London way, and I'm standing in the dark watching my daughter Alice perform a flawless impression of a miniature, furious politician. She...
Letter to Myself: Surviving the Baby Pukeko Encounter
Dear Tom of six months ago, You're currently sitting on the floor of the flat in Hackney, aggressively trying to cram forty-two nappies and a mountain of wipes into a suitcase that was clearly designed for a weekend in Paris,...
The Baby PNG Trap: Surviving Aesthetic Nursery Design Nightmares
It's 3:14 AM, the rain is lashing against the single-glazed window of our Victorian terrace, and I'm desperately trying to operate a trackpad with my left elbow. One twin (letβs call her M) is draped across my chest, leaking a...
Who Are The Baby Monster Members? (From K-Pop To Toddler Tantrums)
Yesterday at a Sunday pub roast, over a sticky table covered in mashed peas, I casually mentioned we were dealing with a massive "baby monster" situation at home. I received three entirely contradictory pieces of advice in the span of...