The Messy Truth About Kids Losing Their Teeth (What Not To Do)
My oldest son, Beau, was standing in the bathroom hallway clutching a dirty sneaker lace, and I swear my soul left my body for a solid three seconds. I was elbow-deep in packing tape, desperately trying to box up orders...
What the Greg Gutfeld Baby News Taught Me About Newborn Chaos
Dear Jess from six months ago, You're currently sitting on the beige living room rug that desperately needs vacuuming, aggressively rocking a screaming baby with your left foot while trying to untangle a botched macrame order for the Etsy shop...
Letter To My Sleep-Deprived Self About This Incredibly Gassy Baby
Dear Jess from exactly six months ago. You're currently sitting on the edge of the glider in the nursery at 3:17 AM. You've got an Etsy order for fifty custom trucker hats due on Tuesday that you haven't even touched,...
When the Internet Decides Your Toddler Needs Street Cred
I was wiping smeared avocado off my toddler's chin at the local park when a pack of ten-year-olds sat on the bench next to us. One of them had a phone propped up, blasting gang baby lyrics into the humid...
The Truth About Finding A Free Baby Dragon Emote Code Online
I was standing at the kitchen island yesterday, elbow-deep in shipping labels for my Etsy shop and trying to scrape dried oatmeal off a highchair tray, when my oldest shoved my iPad directly into my face. He is four and...
Debugging the Roblox Baby Nessie Meltdown
Whatever you do, don't try to explain the mathematics of random number generation to an eight-year-old who's actively weeping onto your couch cushions. I learned this the hard way last Saturday. My nephew Leo was visiting for the weekend, huddled...
Surviving The Absolute Carnage Of The Modern Envy Baby Phase
At precisely 2:14 PM last Tuesday, Florence made the fatal mistake of looking at a blue plastic cup. She didn't touch the cup. She didn't even point her sticky, jam-covered finger at the cup. She merely glanced at it with...
Why the Dust Baby Meme is Harmless but Your Floor is Toxic
I'm currently sitting on the floor at eye level with the baseboards, watching a shaft of afternoon Portland sunlight illuminate roughly ten million floating particles in our living room, while my 11-month-old daughter tries to eat a grey fuzzball she...
Creating A Salt-Free Dry Rub For Baby Back Ribs To Feed My Baby
It was 2:14 PM on a sweltering Sunday in late August, and I was sitting on that one patio chair that always mysteriously pinches the back of my left thigh. I was drinking my third iced coffee of the day...