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Pinkfong Baby Shark: How to Survive the Doo-Doo-Doo Toddler Phase
I was wedged between a fifty-pound sack of flour and my bulk box of paper towels in the pantry, stress-eating a handful of stale Goldfish crackers, while the muffled sound of "doo doo doo doo doo doo" echoed through the...
The Brutally Honest Guide to Buying a Playpen for Babies
My mom texted me "just put the babi in a pen so you can work!" at the exact same moment a twenty-two-year-old Instagram parenting coach popped up on my feed with a beige infographic about how "restrictive containers stifle gross...
Why the Pretty Baby Movie Documentary Broke My Dad Brain
It was 3:14 AM, the Portland rain was actively trying to dissolve our roof, and my 11-month-old daughter was using my sternum as a memory foam mattress. I had my phone brightness dialed down to absolute zero, squinting through the...
Surviving the Pretty Little Baby Connie Francis TikTok Trend
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, and the nursery was running at an good 69.4 degrees Fahrenheit. I know this because I check the smart thermostat logs when I can't sleep, which is always. My wife was standing in...
The Real Truth About Ralph Lauren Baby: Are Tiny Polos Worth It?
I was standing over my kitchen sink at 6:42 AM on a Tuesday, wearing fleece sweatpants I had definitely slept in for three consecutive nights, frantically scrubbing bright orange sweet potato mash out of a pristine, white cable-knit sweater. It...
Why My Toddler Was Rapping And The Weird Raq Baby Search Engine Trap
Don't let your fifteen-year-old nephew DJ your toddler's playtime while you're frantically trying to fulfill twenty custom tumbler Etsy orders before the rural post office closes, because you'll end up panic-googling things that will permanently age you. I was elbow-deep...
The ugly truth about reflux in babies and the endless laundry
A mom came into the pediatric ER at two in the morning a few years ago carrying a bassinet mattress that looked like it had been constructed into a crude ski ramp. She was exhausted, practically vibrating with anxiety, and...
Rockabye Baby: The Unfiltered Truth About 3 AM Infant Sleep
I was sitting in the dark at 3:14 AM with my oldest, Jackson, smelling vaguely of sour milk and utter desperation, rhythmically swaying in a hand-me-down wooden glider that shrieked on every single backswing. I was humming the only tune...
What I Learned Googling the Rosemary's Baby Cast Late at Night
It was 2:14 AM, the exact ambient temperature of our Portland living room was 64.2 degrees according to my heavily customized smart home dashboard, and my 11-month-old was finally asleep on my chest after what felt like a critical firmware...