Magazine
The truth behind the prom night dumpster baby joke and your teen
I was charting in the pediatric ER when I heard that awful cartoon musical number playing from a teenager's phone in the waiting room. You know the one. A catchy little tune about a newborn left in the trash after...
The Honest Truth About Quantum Physics for Babies
Yesterday at 4 AM, I found myself trying to explain the Bohr model of the atom to a human who had just thrown up on my slippers. He was gnawing on the corner of a board book about electrons. The...
A letter to myself about the absolute farce of finding rare baby gi...
Dear Tom of exactly six months ago, You're currently sitting on the floor of the hallway, a chewed-up blue biro in your mouth, staring at a stack of nursery registration forms while Twin B attempts to post half a soggy...
The Terror Of Hyper-Realistic Dolls (And What Actually Works)
The woman at the Tesco checkoutβher name badge said Sandra, and she looked like she'd already had a very long Tuesdayβwas staring at my left hand with the specific, wide-eyed horror usually reserved for hostage situations. I was currently trying...
Why I Have Major Trust Issues With Heavy Recaro Baby Car Seats
I was standing in our crushed-granite driveway in late August, sweat pooling in places I didn't know could sweat, trying to shove a piece of metal and memory foam the size of a mini-fridge into the back of my SUV....
Rihanna And A$AP Rocky's New Girl: Let's Talk About Three Under Four
It was roughly two in the morning. I was sitting in the dark of my Chicago apartment, nursing a cold cup of chamomile tea while my toddler used my collarbone as a teething ring. I was doing that mindless, sleep-deprived...
Why we sing about dropping infants from trees at 3 AM
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I was covered in a suspicious damp patch that smelled faintly of sour milk and sheer defeat. Florence was doing her absolute best impression of a dying swan, arching her back with...
The midnight debugging of the rockabye baby lyrics
It's exactly 3:14 AM. The rain in Portland is doing that aggressive, sideways thing against the nursery window, and my son is currently running his four-month firmware update, which apparently means his system has completely forgotten how to execute a...
What You Actually Need to Know About the Safe Haven Baby Box
I was knee-deep in folding tiny, mismatched socks yesterday when my phone buzzed with a notification from our local county Facebook moms group that immediately spiked my blood pressure. Y'all, it was an absolute mess. Somebody had posted a news...