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Dear past me: The windi baby butt whistle saved my sanity
Dear past me from exactly six months ago. You're currently sitting on the cold concrete floor of the garage on a random Tuesday afternoon. You're surrounded by three cardboard boxes aggressively labeled "DONATE" in black Sharpie, and you're holding a...
When is a baby no longer a newborn? The great potato awakening
I spent my first month as a father obsessively checking an app on my phone that promised to tell me precisely when the dreaded neonate phase would end. Don't do this. Don't set a calendar alert for four weeks post-delivery...
When Do Babies Sleep 7pm to 7am? A Tired Mom's Truth
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday in mid-November, and I was standing in the middle of the nursery wearing a pair of maternity sweatpants that had a questionable yogurt stain on the thigh, rage-scrolling Instagram with my thumb while...
Wait What Whiskey Is Balcones Baby Blue Doing In The Nursery
I was sitting on my living room floor surrounded by crumpled pastel tissue paper and half-opened gift bags from my baby shower. My mother-in-law was perched on the sofa keeping a literal ledger of who bought what so the thank-you...
Choosing the Right Going Home Outfit For Baby: A Dad's Warning
Dear Marcus (Version -11 Months), You're currently standing next to our Honda CR-V on Level 2 of the hospital parking garage, staring at a rigid plastic bucket with five straps that you're somehow supposed to secure your new daughter into....
The "stump tail baby lala" incident and other newborn horrors
It was 3:14 AM on our third day home from the hospital, and I was holding a freshly un-nappied twin at arm's length, staring in abject horror at her abdomen. Attached to her tiny, perfect belly was a shriveling, alien...
Why gifting a vintage november 24th beanie baby gives me hives
I watched my sister-in-law unearth a vacuum-sealed plastic bag at my baby shower, her eyes shining with that specific millennial nostalgia that usually precedes a terrible financial decision. She pulled out a dusty plush turkey from 1997. She proudly announced...
The Viral Fidget Toy You Should Never Give Your Teething Infant
It was 2:14 PM on a Tuesday and I was wearing my husband Dave's faded college sweatshirt that smells faintly of old garlic, desperately sweeping my hand across our living room rug like a frantic human metal detector. I was...
What I Actually Learned From The Mother Baby Nurse On My Worst Night
It was 4:12 AM and I was sitting on the cold hexagon tiles of my bathroom floor, leaking from literally everywhere. Maya was exactly four days old. My older kid, Leo, who was three at the time, was blessedly asleep...