A father's guide to a little baby's ice cream introduction
Dear Marcus from six months ago. It's me, future Marcus. You're currently sitting on the porch of our Portland rental, it's 95 degrees in August, and you're holding a dripping scoop of Salt & Straw honey lavender. The five-month-old is...
The Real Truth About How To Make Baby Villagers Grow Faster
Last Tuesday at 3:14 AM, the ambient temperature in my living room was exactly 68.4 degrees, I was running on four hours of deeply fragmented sleep, and I was aggressively throwing virtual carrots at a digital infant. I was desperately...
The chaotic reality of opening a trump baby account for your toddler
It was midnight on a tuesday when my husband forwarded me an email from our cpa that made my left eye twitch. I was sitting on the nursery floor in my old nursing scrubs, trying to wipe pureed sweet potato...
System Failure at 3 AM: HM Baby Clothes and Newborn Survival
The poop had somehow achieved terminal velocity. It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, and my two-week-old daughter was lying on her changing pad, screaming with the piercing intensity of a malfunctioning smoke detector. The payload had defied all known...
The 3 AM Search for Goo Goo Babies Uma Musume and Real Life
The iPad was glowing with an accusatory harshness against the peeling wallpaper of our London flat, illuminating a very specific kind of 3 AM domestic hell. Lily, the slightly more volatile of my two-year-old twin girls, had just violently expelled...
The 3 AM Baby Handoff Protocol: Surviving The Night Shift As A Dad
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I was holding my son like he was a live grenade with a faulty pin. He had been screaming for forty-five straight minutes. I had run through the standard troubleshooting checklist: diaper...
The Great Fur Babies Delusion: Why Your Terrier Is Not Practice
I was sitting on the hallway floor at 3:14 in the morning, holding a plastic bag of frozen peas to my forehead while watching our Jack Russell terrier methodically lick the remnants of a violently rejected rice cake off the...
Don't You Want Me Like I Want You Baby Lyrics & Toddler Drama
The absolute biggest lie the parenting industry ever managed to sell us is that your Spotify Wrapped needs to look like an eighteenth-century Austrian composer's fever dream for your kid to get into a good kindergarten. I was standing in...
Troubleshooting Dry Skin: What Is Baby Oil Actually Used For
It was exactly 68 degrees in the postpartum recovery room. I know this because the wall thermostat was the only illuminated object I had stared at for the previous four hours while my wife finally slept. I was holding a...