The Late Night Search History of a Clueless Dad
Dear Marcus from six months ago. You're currently sitting on the edge of the bathtub at 3:14 AM, the bathroom tiles are freezing your bare feet, and your phone screen brightness is aggressively burning your retinas because you forgot to...
Lil Baby Real Name & The Glitch Of Naming Your First Human
The intake nurse stood at the foot of the hospital bed holding an iPad like a threat, her stylus hovering over a blank text field while the beeping of the fetal monitor mocked my indecision. My wife was exhausted, heavily...
Why The Baby's Day Out Movie Cast Haunts My Anxious Dad Brain
Dear Marcus from exactly six months ago. Put down the lukewarm decaf. You're currently sitting on the couch in our Portland apartment, tracking the room temperature on your phone (itβs 71.4 degrees, which is apparently best) and staring at our...
When Your Kid Goes Full Baby Yaga: A Very Tired Dad's Guide
The Nanit camera app on my phone says it's exactly 3:14 AM. My battery is hovering at 12%, and the ambient room temperature is holding steady at 68.4 degrees only because I spent forty minutes calibrating the smart vent system...
My 11-Month-Old Daughter is Basically a 150-Pound Baby Walrus
Itβs 3:14 AM on a Tuesday. The glow of my dual monitors is the only light in our Portland living room, casting long, depressing shadows over a floor entirely covered in colorful plastic debris. On the left screen, I've a...
I Spent Three Hours Researching The Baby Tron (Itβs Not A Stroller)
I had my credit card resting on my laptop keyboard, three browser tabs open to tech review sites, and was aggressively searching for the firmware update logs for something called the "baby tron." My teenage nephew had mentioned it at...
The Reality Behind 'Me As A Baby' Memes: A Letter To Past Marcus
You're currently sitting on the edge of the bathtub at 2:14 AM, staring at the baby monitor app on your phone, trying to figure out why your five-month-old son sounds like a dial-up modem struggling to connect to a bad...
Why Muppet Babies Is The Only Reboot I Tolerate
It's exactly 6:14 AM on a Tuesday, and my 11-month-old son is attempting to aggressively eat the Roku remote. I'm running on three hours of fragmented sleep and half a cup of cold, day-old pour-over coffee. The biggest myth they...
The truth about being my baby's daddy: A first-time dad log
I'm currently staring at my 11-month-old daughter while she aggressively tries to jam a wooden block into my lukewarm coffee mug. The biggest lie they tell you about fatherhood is that the "dad instincts" will automatically download into your brain...