Wait, How Old is Baby Gronk? (And Other Parenting Anxieties)
My wife caught me measuring the exact distance between our coffee table and the dog bed with a laser tape measure while our 11-month-old gnawed enthusiastically on a rogue piece of cardboard he'd found behind the router. "I'm setting up...
The Bizarre Kat Timpf Baby Name Rumor & Our Naming Panic
You're currently staring at cell C42 on the "Child_Identifier_v3.xlsx" spreadsheet, blinking through the burn of blue light at 2:14 AM while your five-month-old aggressively tries to eat his own foot in the bassinet beside you. You've gone so far down...
Dear Past Marcus: Debugging The Toddler Consumerism Bug
Dear Marcus from exactly six months ago, You're currently sitting on the living room rug, watching our five-month-old try to gnaw the security chip off your Amex card. You think it's hilarious. You're probably taking a photo to send to...
Decoding Baby Registry Must Haves Without Crashing Your Brain
It's precisely 2:14 AM on a Tuesday, my mechanical keyboard is clacking, my dual-monitor setup is glowing with the intensity of a thousand suns, and I've exactly forty-seven browser tabs open trying to parse the flow rate variations of infant...
What an Endangered Red Panda Taught Me About Parenting My Wild Child
The glow of my dual monitors was the only light in the living room while my eleven-month-old son performed what I can only describe as a sustained velociraptor screech from his playpen. It was 3:14 AM. I was supposed to...
Why Raising an 11-Month-Old Feels Like Having a Baby Polar Bear
At 3:14 AM last Tuesday, I found myself sitting on the nursery floor in the dark, bathed in the blue light of my phone, holding a sleeping 11-month-old who currently weighs as much as a medium-sized microwave. My browser history...
Watching Three Men And A Baby At 3AM Will Not Calm Your Nerves
Dear Tom of six months ago. You're currently sitting on the sofa in the pitch dark. It's 3:14 AM. You have one twin asleep on your left shoulder, drooling a thick, milky substance onto your only clean t-shirt, and the...
Baby Chief Do It: 3 AM Rabbit Holes & Real Firmware Updates
Itβs 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, the exact temperature in our Portland apartment is 68.5 degrees, and I'm currently forty-five minutes deep into a TikTok wormhole trying to figure out why my eleven-month-oldβs behavior doesnβt match the internetβs benchmarks. My...
Why a 1980s baby boom cast makes more sense than modern apps
My mum casually mentioned last Tuesday that if I didn't start putting a pulverized rusk into the twins' nighttime milk, they would never sleep past 4 am and I'd be looking at stunted growth by their third birthday. The bloke...