Magazine
The Absolute Madness of Putting a White Baby Tee on an Infant
We're twenty minutes into what was supposed to be a civilized Sunday picnic in Regent's Park. I'm holding a lukewarm flat white, desperately trying to project an aura of calm competence. Florence and Matilda, my two-year-old twins, are wearing identical,...
My Desperate Search for "Spielzeug für 1 Jährige" (Toys)
Yesterday at 5:14 AM, I staggered into the living room to grab a burp cloth and stepped directly onto a plastic cow that immediately began mooing "Old MacDonald" in a haunting, battery-depleted baritone. My 11-month-old daughter, sitting in her playpen,...
The Truth About That Huge Women Clothing Sale For Tired Moms
The right wheel of my double UPPAbaby stroller was jammed so hard against the slatted door of fitting room number three that I couldn't pry it open if there was a fire. I was standing there in a local boutique...
Why Baby Boy Rompers Are The Only Outfit You Actually Need
I'm standing over the changing table at what feels like three in the morning, trying to thread a miniature leather belt through the belt loops of three-month-old corduroy pants. He is doing the alligator death roll. There's a very specific...
Spielzeug ab 3 Jahren: The Brutally Honest Guide for Parents
There I was, barefoot in my own living room at 6:30 in the morning, stepping squarely on a tiny plastic firefighter hat that came with some massive, overpriced fire truck my oldest got for his third birthday. I’m just gonna...
Building A Bulletproof Baby Depot For Surviving The Newborn Chaos
It was three in the morning in the dead of a Chicago winter when I finally lost my mind. I was standing in my living room holding a screaming infant, staring at a corner of the house that looked like...
Losing My Mind Inside Infant Stores (And What You Actually Need)
My mother-in-law cornered me at my own baby shower, pointed at my seven-month belly, and told me I needed to buy absolutely everything brand new or the baby would contract some kind of Victorian wasting disease. Twenty minutes later, my...
That 3 AM Nightmare: Surviving a Wunder Po bei Babys at Home
3:14 AM. A Tuesday. I'm standing in the nursery wearing Dave's ridiculously oversized Villanova sweatpants with a mysterious yogurt stain on the knee, and ten-month-old Maya is screaming like I'm trying to actively murder her. It wasn't her normal "I'm...
What I Got Wrong About The Humble Baby Teether
It was three in the morning and my daughter's chin looked like a slip-and-slide. She was chewing on my knuckles with the jaw strength of a pitbull, soaking right through her organic baby tee with a volume of saliva that...