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Dear Past Marcus: Those Aren't Pale Ants, They're Baby Termites
Dear Marcus of exactly six months ago: Put down the flashlight. That tiny, pale, squirming thing you're currently poking with a cotton swab at 2:14 AM on the bathroom tile is not an albino ant. It's a baby termite. Don't...
The Honest Truth About Your Baby Dedication (And Surviving It)
Let me paint a picture for y'all. It's Sunday morning, roughly 10:15 AM. I'm sitting in the second pew, sweating clean through my nice silk blouse, while my oldest son—who was supposed to look like a literal angel from heaven—is...
My Absolute Worst Night With Matching Baby Christmas Pajamas
The zipper was officially jammed in the microfleece reindeer antlers. It was roughly two in the morning on December twenty-third, and my six-month-old, Maya, was screaming with the raw intensity of a level-one trauma arrival. Her face was the color...
The 3AM Savior: Decoding Baby Blue Daniel Caesar Lyrics
There's a very specific type of despair that sets in around 3:14 AM when one twin is screaming because the shadows on the wall are looking at her funny, and the other is methodically attempting to ingest the cardboard spine...
When Do You Actually Stop Burping a Baby? An Honest Dad Guide
Dear Tom from six months ago—or rather, let's cast our minds all the way back to the dark trenches when the twins were tiny, because time is a flat, milk-stained circle and my trauma has simply manifested as a letter...
What to Do When Your Kid Finds a Baby Squirrel in the Yard
"Drop the Similac, Tucker!" I yelled across the patio, lunging over a scattered pile of wooden blocks while clutching a squirming newborn to my chest. My oldest son—bless his animal-loving, highly impulsive heart—was kneeling in the damp Bermuda grass, holding...
When Can You Find Out the Gender of a Baby? A Messy Guide
When I was barely six weeks pregnant with Leo, sitting at a lukewarm brunch while desperately trying not to hurl into my overpriced oatmeal and clutching my third decaf coffee like a lifeline, I got three entirely different timelines for...
The Great BBQ Debate: Ribs and Baby-Led Weaning
Summer in Chicago means the lake breeze is sticky and someone is always firing up a smoker in a park. We were at a family cookout near Montrose Beach last July when my husband's uncle handed my eight-month-old a massive,...
The Truth About Mebie Baby: A Letter to My Sleep-Deprived Self
Dear Tom from six months ago, You're hiding in the downstairs loo right now, aren't you? You've got one foot wedged against the door to keep the twins out, you're covered in something sticky that you pray is just mashed...