The Late Night Search History of a Clueless Dad
Dear Marcus from six months ago. You're currently sitting on the edge of the bathtub at 3:14 AM, the bathroom tiles are freezing your bare feet, and your phone screen brightness is aggressively burning your retinas because you forgot to...
My Toddler Found the Lil Baby New Album on Our Smart Speaker
There I was, elbow-deep in cold oatmeal, desperately trying to keep the twins from launching their sticky spoons at the dog, when my four-year-old casually yelled across the kitchen at our smart speaker. He’s my oldest, which means he's my...
Buying Lil Baby Tickets: The Great Airplane Lap Infant Lie
The seatbelt sign dings with that specific, mocking chime. I'm currently wedged into row 14B of an easyJet flight to Geneva, sweating through my jumper. Twin A is arching her back with the rigid intensity of a feral cat dodging...
My Sister Had a Baby Shrimp: The Truth About Shellfish & Babies
When my toddler started solids, my mother-in-law confidently informed me that giving fish to an infant would permanently imbalance their internal body temperature. My neighbor warned me that even touching a raw prawn in my own kitchen would trigger anaphylaxis...
How to Track an Infant Fever Without Completely Losing Your Mind
It’s 3:14 AM on a dreary Tuesday in November. Maya is radiating heat like a poorly insulated boiler, and I'm standing over her cot, frantically swiping a sixty-quid piece of infrared plastic across her forehead like I’m scanning a tin...
The Baphi Baby Search Incident: Why I Threw Our iPad Away
I was up to my elbows in raw chicken and breadcrumbs when I heard it. That specific, slightly robotic chime of the voice-assistant activating on the family iPad that my three-year-old had dragged into the kitchen. I didn't think much...
Why the Baki Baby Meme is Bizarre and What Real Strength Looks Like
I was sitting on the floor of my home office last Tuesday, trying to fulfill three Etsy orders for custom vinyl tumblers while simultaneously folding a mountain of tiny, mismatched socks, when my sister’s fourteen-year-old nephew strolled in. He stepped...
Surviving Year One: Letter To My Clueless Past Self (baby_jul1)
You're currently standing in the baby aisle of John Lewis, staring at a wall of breast pumps with the terrified, vacant expression of a man who has just been told an asteroid is hurtling toward Earth. I know this because...
The Great 3 AM Lie About Your Baby's Sleep Schedule
I was sitting on the very edge of our squeaky nursery glider at 3:14 AM with my firstborn, glaring at a four-dollar tracking app on my phone that was flashing a red warning to tell me my three-week-old was "off...