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Troubleshooting Da Baby: A Clueless Dad's System Log
I was standing over the bassinet at 3:14 AM holding a digital meat thermometer near my son's forehead, completely convinced his baseline operating temperature was running too hot. He was wearing a heavy fleece onesie in late August because I...
How We Built a Baby Saja Costume (Without the Meltdown)
I was holding a detached, highly synthetic faux-collar in my left hand while my eleven-month-old son actively tried to eat a teal polyester wig. This was iteration one of the baby Saja outfit, ordered at 2 AM from a drop-shipping...
Debugging the Infant Wash Cycle: A Letter to My Clueless Past Self
You're currently holding a screaming, soapy five-month-old over a stainless steel kitchen sink while the water temperature wildly fluctuates between Arctic runoff and molten lava, and you're terrified. I know this because I'm you, writing from six months in the...
The Unfiltered Reality of the Kat Timpf Baby News
It was 3:14 AM. The baby monitor on my nightstand was glowing a menacing green, reading exactly 68.2 degrees, and I was doomscrolling Twitter in that hazy, caffeinated purgatory between sleep cycles. I think the biggest myth about celebrity baby...
Baby Shower Invitations: The Brutal Truth About Modern Stationery
I'm currently using a dull butter knife to scrape dried, crusty hummus off a piece of 600gsm letterpress cardstock. It's an RSVP card that my two-year-old twin daughters, Florence and Matilda, managed to intercept before I could tally the final...
The 3 AM Breaking Point and the Truth About Shaken Baby Syndrome
There's a very specific frequency of noise that two eight-week-old humans can achieve simultaneously, and I'm fairly certain it violates several international treaties. It was a Tuesday, somewhere around 3:14 in the morning, and I was pacing the hallway of...
Why bringing a baby to a Lil Baby concert is a terrible idea
My cousin Neha spent three days hovering over her laptop trying to score lil baby concert tickets. She finally secured two floor seats for the lil baby concert atlanta stop, then casually texted me a screenshot of her cart with...
Dear Past Marcus: You Need a Baby Bjorn Bouncer Immediately
Past Marcus, it's me. You from six months in the future. You're currently standing in the kitchen of our Portland apartment at 3:14 AM. The baby is five weeks old. It's raining outside, obviously. You're trying to rock him while...
Surviving the Dave Ramsey Baby Steps With Three Under Five
I was sitting on the nursery floor at 2:14 AM with my oldest, staring at a $400 emergency room bill for what turned out to be entirely normal teething pain, when I realized we were financially drowning. He was screaming,...