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Exhausted dad holding two toddlers while one wears a plastic tiara

Raising a Baby Queen: The Brutal Truth About Royal Parenting

At precisely 4:12 on a Tuesday morning, I found myself executing a deep, entirely unironic bow to a person who had just soiled herself up to the shoulder blades. My mother-in-law had visited the day before, bearing a rhinestone-encrusted tiara...

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A stressed dad holding popcorn while toddlers point at the cinema screen in shock

Why Peppa Meets the Baby Broke My Toddlers' Tiny Minds

I was wedged into a suspiciously sticky velvet seat at the Vue cinema in Islington, holding a six-pound box of popcorn that Twin A was actively trying to pour into my left shoe, when the disaster unfolded on screen. We...

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Two toddlers pointing at a television screen showing a cartoon pig family

How Peppa Pig's New Arrival Fixed Our Sibling Transition Chaos

I was sitting cross-legged on a spectacularly stained rug, holding up a somewhat mangled stuffed rabbit and speaking in a high-pitched voice, trying to explain the concept of human gestation to my two-year-old twin daughters. They stared at me with...

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A confused dad looking at a tablet screen while two toddlers cause chaos

Dear Past Tom: The Roblox Pill Baby is Not What You Think

You're currently standing in the kitchen, holding a half-eaten, slightly tepid fish finger, staring at your nine-year-old nephew, Leo. He has just wandered in from the living room, barely looking up from his iPad, to casually ask if he can...

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A tired father holding twin babies while a stranger talks to them

The Bizarre Lies She Told My Baby About My Pre-Parenting Life

I watched in absolute horror as my old university friend Fiona, wearing a leather jacket that smelled faintly of stale vape smoke and regret, leaned directly into the pram and started rewriting my twenties. We were in a Costa Coffee...

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Two toddlers in neutral organic cotton fighting over a wooden block while their dad looks exhausted.

Why I’m Actively Trying to Turn My Twins Into Nepotism Babies

I was halfway through a tepid mug of black tea, reading an outrage-bait article about yet another famous twenty-something landing a massive film role simply because her father is a beloved nineties sitcom star, when one of my two-year-old daughters...

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A tired dad sitting in a dark nursery holding a baby and looking at his phone

My Baby Girl Chinese Drama: A 3 AM Survival Guide for Tired Parents

The digital clock on the wipe-warmer we never use is flashing 3:14 AM in a vaguely aggressive neon green. I'm wedged in the nursing chair, which has somehow lost all lumbar support over the last two years. Matilda, twin A,...

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Sleep-deprived mom watching an action movie on the couch under an organic cotton blanket.

Watching Movies Like Baby Driver When You Have Actual Babies

It's exactly 10:43 PM on a Tuesday. I'm wearing a faded nursing tank that lost all structural integrity sometime in 2021, and I'm sitting on the exact cushion of our IKEA sectional that smells faintly of old Cheerios and maternal...

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Exhausted mom holding a crying baby in a dimly lit nursery

What Is The Matter Baby? Surviving The 3 AM Newborn Panic Mode

It’s 3:17 AM, and I'm standing in the middle of a nursery that smells vaguely of sour milk and desperation, bouncing my oldest son so hard I’m giving myself shin splints. He is wailing like a banshee. My husband walks...

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