What to do when your toddler finds a bird in the garden
It was a Tuesday afternoon, roughly forty-five minutes before I usually cave and put the television on, when Florence trotted up to me holding what appeared to be a very angry, moldy tennis ball. She deposited it directly onto my...
What The Baby Baby Justin Bieber Era Taught Me About 3 AM
If you want to know exactly how to make sure your child never, ever goes back to sleep, let me share my foolproof method from the first month of raising twins. When you hear the inevitable 3 AM wail, you...
The Soft Play Disaster That Made Me Buy Boys Apparel For Twins
The static electricity in the ball pit at Pirate Peteβs Soft Play in Croydon was strong enough to power a small electric vehicle. I know this because my two-year-old twin daughters, Maya and Zoe, were currently trapped inside it, looking...
The 15-Minute Peace Treaty: Surviving Baby Activity Centers
At exactly 4:12 PM on a rainy Tuesday, I realized I had made a terrible, terrible mistake. I was sitting on our battered London flat's living room rug, nursing a desperately lukewarm cup of tea, while my twin daughters, Maya...
The Great Fever Myth: Surviving Your ZΓ€hne Baby's Worst Days
Itβs 3:17 am, and I'm holding a plastic thermometer to my daughter Lilyβs ear while she attempts to perform a violent exorcism on herself. The digital display flashes an angry red 39.5Β°C. For three days prior, my Swiss mother-in-law had...
Raising a Sun Baby: A Pale British Fatherβs Guide to UV Survival
Maya is currently doing an impressive impression of an oiled piglet at a country fair, streaking across the scorched grass of Clapham Common while I trail a few paces behind her with a handful of thick, chalky white zinc cream....
Rihanna A AP Rocky Third Baby: The Madness of Three Under Four
It was 7:13 AM on a Tuesday, and I was attempting to pry a half-sucked rice cake from the iron grip of twin A, while twin B was vigorously trying to feed a wet wipe to the cat. My phone...
How to Be a Rich Baby Daddy Without Actually Having Any Money
I'm standing in a painfully well-lit Marylebone baby boutique at eleven in the morning on a Tuesday, holding a Β£400 self-rocking bassinet, while one of my two-year-old twins actively attempts to eat a display shoe. The sales assistant is looking...
The Mason Disick Baby Hoax and My Massive Digital Parenting Panic
My mum told me on Tuesday that if I ever post another photo of the girls online, criminals on the dark web will steal their identities and open credit cards in their names. A bloke I vaguely know from the...