Postpartum Baby Bangs: A Dad's Guide to the Hair Regrowth Glitch
Dear Marcus of six months ago: Put down the industrial drain snake and take a deep breath. I know you just pulled a clump of hair out of the shower drain that looks roughly the size of a wet squirrel,...
Why a Baby Alligator is My Toddler's Weirdest Obsession
It's Tuesday at 2 PM, and I'm standing in this aggressively air-conditioned reptile sanctuary off the highway in Florida, sweating through a vintage band tee that used to be my favorite before it got permanently stained with oat milk. I'm...
How The Creepy Screaming Ash Baby Internet Joke Ruined My Tuesday
My sister-in-law texted me at 6:15 AM demanding I lock all our household iPads in a fireproof safe because a "soot infant" is destroying the youth. My mate Dave replied to a WhatsApp group roughly forty-five minutes later arguing that...
The Reality of Dressing a Baby Without Losing Your Mind
Within forty-eight hours of bringing Leo home from the hospital, I received three completely contradictory pieces of advice about how to dress him. My mother-in-law hovered over his bassinet, clutching her coffee mug, aggressively whispering that he needed a fleece...
My Coffee Disaster and the Wild Reality of Sixty-Year-Old Parenting
My feet were literally sticking to the linoleum. It's 6:12 AM on a Tuesday, I'm wearing Mark's faded college hoodie that smells permanently like old milk and vague regret, and Maya is aggressively trying to shove a plastic triceratops into...
The Ridiculous Truth About Buying Baby Uggs For Your Newborn
November 2017. I was sitting at a crowded Starbucks on 4th street, wearing yoga pants that were definitely covered in spit-up, frantically wrestling a tiny, caramel-colored sheepskin bootie onto seven-month-old Maya's left foot for the eighth time in twenty minutes....
Surviving the Absolute Avalanche of Useless Newborn Baby Stuff
At 34 weeks pregnant, my wife and I entered a fugue state in a suburban retail park and bought a machine specifically designed to heat baby wipes to exactly 37 degrees Celsius. I remember standing at the till, handing over...
Why Looking Up Ice Ice Baby Lyrics At 3 AM Changed My Parenting
It was 3:17 in the morning, and my oldest was screaming with the kind of red-faced, breathless stamina that makes you seriously question your life choices. I was sitting on a cheap, half-deflated yoga ball in our drafty Texas farmhouse,...
When to Worry About RSV Symptoms Baby: A Dad's Survival Guide
Don't spend three hours scrolling through a parenting forum thread from 2014 about baby chest retractions while your daughter breathes like a tiny, congested pug on your chest. I did this on a Tuesday last November, and it resulted in...