Magazine
Why a baby cast and an indie film is a terrible Friday night
It's 8:14 PM on a Friday, and my left hand is currently bonded to a Tupperware container of rapidly hardening purple alginate, while Rachel Sennott has a full-blown panic attack on my television screen. My wife is desperately trying to...
She's Having a Baby: A Clueless Dad's Guide to Newborn Survival
Don't pack an extension cord, a multi-port USB hub, and three different bluetooth speakers in the hospital bag. This is my first and most critical piece of advice. I was standing in our Portland living room with a color-coded spreadsheet...
Why The Scorsese Baby Daddy Trend Is An Actual Parenting Trap
I was sitting on the aggressively beige tile floor of a suburban Target bathroom in 2016, wearing Lululemon leggings that definitely had a crusty salsa stain on the left thigh, staring at a plastic stick I had just peed on....
Run Baby Run: The Messy Reality of Jogging With Your Kid
I'm wrestling a standard, rigid four-wheeled city stroller over a massive, gnarly tree root on a Tuesday morning at 7 AM. I'm wearing my black Lululemon leggingsβthe ones with the weird yogurt stain on the left thigh that I haven't...
The Ruka Baby Monster Error: Troubleshooting 2 AM Meltdowns
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, raining sideways against our Portland apartment windows, and I was actively bleeding from my left collarbone. My 11-month-old daughter had bypassed crying entirely and escalated straight to physical violence. I was holding her...
The Midnight Whistle: Surviving The RS Virus With Twin Babies
It was a Tuesday, precisely 3:14 AM, and Florence was making a noise that sounded suspiciously like a broken penny whistle trapped inside a damp accordion. I was standing in the dark of the nursery, wearing a t-shirt stained with...
Rihanna A AP Rocky Third Baby: The Madness of Three Under Four
It was 7:13 AM on a Tuesday, and I was attempting to pry a half-sucked rice cake from the iron grip of twin A, while twin B was vigorously trying to feed a wet wipe to the cat. My phone...
What The Rick Ross Baby Mama Drama Taught Me About Co-Parenting
My mother-in-law insists that any dispute with an ex should be handled over a stiff cup of Earl Grey and a passive-aggressive biscuit, while the bloke who delivers our Amazon parcels reckons you should just block their number entirely and...
When Your Kid Starts Singing Rich Baby Daddy Lyrics
If you want to know how to handle a four-year-old screaming the rich baby daddy lyrics at the very top of his lungs in the middle of Trader Joe's, I've three distinctly different pieces of advice for you. My mother...