The brutal code brown math of the baby 5 one piece outfit rotation
It's 3:14 AM on a Tuesday in mid-January. The smell hits me before the crying even starts. I'm standing over the crib in the dark, and my three-month-old has somehow managed to paint himself, the sheets, and the wall behind...
Why Your Newborn's Length Doesn't Mean What You Think It Means
"Well, look at those long legs, he's got size fourteen feet in his future for sure!" my great-aunt Linda practically hollered across the patio, hoisting my three-week-old oldest son like a prize-winning bass at the family barbecue. Everyone nodded sagely....
Surviving a Taylor Swift Stadium Concert With a Baby in Tow
Dear Jess from six months ago, You're currently sitting on the cold linoleum floor of the laundry room at 2 AM, hiding from your snoring husband, staring at three wildly expensive stadium tickets on your phone. You're hyperventilating because your...
The Brutal Truth About Kinder Kleider: Clothes That Actually Fit
"Buy them a size up so they get two seasons out of it," my mom told me over the phone while I was staring blankly at a rack of toddler jeans, trying to figure out if the waist looked wide...
Surviving the Frilly Nightmare of Cute Baby Girl Clothes
I'm currently standing in the disabled toilet of a Costa Coffee in Wandsworth, staring in abject horror at my daughterβs back. She is wearing a gift from a well-meaning great-auntβa vintage-style, sage green dress featuring no fewer than fourteen microscopic...
Surviving The Baby Gap Outlet, Tooth Spacing & Sibling Years
I was standing under these aggressively buzzing fluorescent lights with a lukewarm, half-spilled oat milk latte leaking condensation all over my hand, clutching three pairs of tiny, stiff denim pants. Leo was four months old, strapped to my chest in...
The Truth About Baby Dresses No One Tells New Parents
My oldest daughter was exactly three months old, and I was sweating straight through my deodorant trying to shove her chunky little arms into a stiff, sequined tulle monstrosity for Easter Sunday while she screamed like I was actively torturing...
Debugging the baby boy wardrobe: A first-time dadβs logs
My thumb was actively bleeding. It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, rain was aggressively battering our Portland bedroom window, and I was locked in a physical struggle with a tiny, angry, poop-covered human. The adversary was a rigid denim...
The reality of bringing your preemie baby home from the NICU
The hospital sliding doors open and the winter wind hits your face. You're holding a plastic bucket seat containing a human the size of a standard bag of flour. They told you the discharge paperwork was clear and you could...