Raising a Formula Baby: The Midnight Maths I Completely Failed
I'm standing in the kitchen in just my boxers, staring blankly at a silver tin of powder while the kettle aggressively clicks off. It's 3:14 AM. Upstairs, Twin A is doing her best impression of a hungry velociraptor, while Twin...
How Much Does It Cost to Have a Baby? A Twin Dad's Honest Maths
I'm currently sitting on the kitchen floor at eleven o'clock at night, staring at my Monzo app while Twin A attempts to aggressively eat a Sainsbury's receipt and Twin B sleeps heavily across my left foot. I can't feel my...
How I Survived the Great Highland Cow Baby Obsession of 2024
I'm currently sitting in the corner of a semi-detached flat in Zone 3 London, making intense eye contact with a six-foot plush Scottish bovine. It has more hair than I do, takes up roughly the same square footage as a...
The Reality of the Have A Baby With Me Daniel Caesar Lyrics
I was on my hands and knees in our South London flat, using a blunt butter knife to chisel hardened Weetabix off the skirting board, when Spotify’s algorithm decided to serve up a heavy dose of R&B. The song sounded...
What to do when your toddler finds a bird in the garden
It was a Tuesday afternoon, roughly forty-five minutes before I usually cave and put the television on, when Florence trotted up to me holding what appeared to be a very angry, moldy tennis ball. She deposited it directly onto my...
Dear Tom: A guide to surviving the very weird baby alien phase
Dear Tom, You're currently sitting on the edge of a spectacularly uncomfortable plastic mattress in the maternity ward at St Thomas' Hospital, staring into a perspex box containing two squirming, purple, vernix-covered creatures. They look less like the cherubic infants...
The Soft Play Disaster That Made Me Buy Boys Apparel For Twins
The static electricity in the ball pit at Pirate Pete’s Soft Play in Croydon was strong enough to power a small electric vehicle. I know this because my two-year-old twin daughters, Maya and Zoe, were currently trapped inside it, looking...
An Honest Letter to Past Tom About the Best Baby Shower Gifts
I'm currently staring at a cashmere baby cardigan roughly the size of a teacup, aggressively regretting my life choices. My mate Dave’s gathering is tomorrow afternoon, and I'm writing this as a therapeutic exercise directed entirely at my past self—specifically...
When The Baby-Sitters Club Makes You Question Your Parenting
I was wedged between the living room radiator and a pile of inexplicably sticky building blocks at 5:43 AM on a Tuesday when it happened. Twin A was aggressively gumming a slightly stale rice cake, Twin B was trying to...