Lil Baby All On Me: Surviving The Intense Velcro Infant Phase
I tried the heating pad trick first. You know the oneβyou warm up the crib mattress so when you lower the sleeping infant onto the sheets, they don't detect a temperature drop and sound the alarm. I even wore the...
System Failure: A First-Time Dad's Guide to the Kyte Baby Sale
Dear Marcus from exactly six months ago, I'm writing this to you as you sit at your dual-monitor setup at 9:58 AM on a Thursday, sweating through your gray Portland Timbers t-shirt. You've got three browser windows open, your credit...
What the Katrina babies taught me about parenting in a crisis
It was a wet Tuesday afternoon in November when the kitchen ceiling began to ominously bow, creating a distended, watery underbelly right above the toaster. A pipe had burst somewhere in the floorboards above, and as I desperately tried to...
The Truth About Johnson's Baby Lotion and Millennial Guilt
I was standing in the infant care aisle of Target at 9:43 PM on a random Tuesday, eight months pregnant with Maya, wearing my husband Daveβs horribly stained college sweatpants, and having a low-grade panic attack while staring at a...
A letter to myself about Johnson and Johnson baby shampoo
Dear Tom of exactly six months ago, You're currently standing in the baby aisle of the High Street Kensington Boots, staring blankly at a wall of brightly coloured plastic bottles, sweating profusely into your jumper. You have a pram the...
Raising a Jimbo Boss Baby: Firmware Updates for Heavy Infants
The blue line on the pediatricianβs monitor shot up into the top right quadrant like a server load graph during a DDoS attack. I adjusted my glasses. My wife shifted in her chair. Our 11-month-old son sat on the examination...
Troubleshooting the 3 AM Baby Glitch and Other Night Terrors
My thumb was hovering over the backspace key at 3:14 AM, the harsh blue light of my phone screen illuminating the spit-up crusted on my shoulder. I had managed to type exactly six letters into the search bar with my...
The real truth about ivf babies disadvantages and infant health
I'm staring at a glowing phone screen at 4:13 a.m. while one of my two-year-old twin daughters uses my left kidney as a trampoline. Years ago, long before these tiny terrors existed, I was staring at the exact same screen...
The 3 AM Breakdown When I Realized That The Baby Is Actually You
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I was sitting on the cold linoleum of my hallway, sobbing into a burp cloth that smelled heavily of sour milk. My oldest son, Wyattβwho now at age four is a perfectly...