Who Is Baby Gronk? (And Why My Toddler Is Retiring From Sports)
It was 2:14 AM on a Tuesday, the baby was aggressively attached to my left boob, the glow of my phone screen was fully illuminating my double chin, and I was deep-scrolling through videos of a ten-year-old boy deadlifting weights...
Why Are Babies So Cute? A Dad's Guide to Infant Hardware
My mom visited us in Portland last week and confidently announced that infants are adorable so we don't accidentally leave them in the woods when they haven't slept in three days. The very next morning, my lead developer coworker told...
Decoding Weird Baby Breaths: A Nurse's Guide to Not Panicking
3:14 AM. My phone flashlight was pressed flat against my palm to dim the glare, casting a weird, jaundiced shadow across the bassinet. I hadn't blinked in what felt like forty minutes. As a former pediatric nurse in Chicago, I've...
The baby doll movie voice search disaster on a rainy Tuesday
It was exactly 6:14 AM, the rain was coming down in that relentless, gray Portland way, and I was holding a bottle of formula I had meticulously calibrated to precisely 98.6 degrees. My daughter, currently known in my mental database...
The Autocomplete Trap And Keeping Kids Off The Weird Internet
My phone slipped out of my hand and hit the kitchen tile at exactly 2:14 p.m. yesterday. I was trying to type baby doll into a search bar to find a birthday gift for my niece. The internet, in its...
Raising Baby Elephants: The Truth About Elephant Parenting
I spent the first three months of my son's life armed with a color-coded spreadsheet. I tracked sleep windows, ounces consumed, and bowel movements with the grim intensity of a charge nurse during a code blue. I thought if I...
Searching for a Baby Girl Film? Read This First
My mom swears that propping me up in front of a Little Mermaid VHS was the only way she survived cooking dinner in 1993, my mother-in-law acts like a single tablet glow will instantly short-circuit a child's brain, and my...
Why Your Baby Needs Arugula (And How to Serve It Without Tears)
I was standing in my kitchen staring at a green-splattered cabinet while my mother-in-law clutched her coffee mug like a shield. I had just scraped a dollop of bright green puree onto my six-month-old's tray, and she looked at me...
Surviving The 3 AM Teething Boot Loop & Babies Clothes Fails
The digital thermometer read 99.1Β°F at exactly 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, and my daughter was methodically attempting to gnaw through the wooden rail of her crib like a beaver possessed. Outside, the Portland rain was doing its usual endless...