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Why The Trisha Paytas Baby Theory Actually Terrifies Modern Moms
The blue light from my phone screen was the only thing illuminating the nursery at two in the morning. The breast pump was doing its rhythmic, mechanical wheeze. My brain was operating on three hours of fractured sleep, which is...
The ugly truth about buying your toddler a baby doll stroller
There was a tiny pool of blood on my hardwood floor. Not a catastrophic amount, just enough to make my old hospital triage instincts override my standard maternal panic. Maya was on her back, screaming, holding a split lip. Tangled...
The Brutal Reality of Mixing Tiny Puppies and Newborn Twins
I'm standing in our narrow London hallway, holding a slightly stiff hospital blanket that smells intensely of NHS-grade floor cleaner and sheer panic. Page 47 of a highly-rated parenting manual told me I should present this artifact to our terrier...
What A Baby Chimpanzee Actually Taught Me About Human Parenting
It was three in the morning in the postpartum ward. I was bleeding through a mesh pad, staring at my newborn son in his plastic bassinet, waiting for the maternal instinct software to finish downloading. I thought it would just...
What a Wild Baby Chimp Taught Me About Raising Twin Toddlers
I'm currently lying flat on the rug in our London living room, staring at a patch of ceiling that desperately needs painting, while someone repeatedly hits my left shin with a plastic spatula. Twin A (Isla) is shrieking because her...
Why buying your first baby boy shoes is a complete medical scam
Dear Priya from six months ago. You're currently standing in a boutique in the West Loop holding a pair of miniature high-top sneakers that cost more than your favorite nursing scrubs. You're tracing the stiff leather with your thumb and...
The Messy, Honest Truth About Getting a Baby Axolotl
It was 7:00 AM on a Tuesday, and I was standing in my kitchen trying to pour coffee while my four-year-old oldest son shoved a piece of construction paper directly into my line of sight. On it was a crude...
The Plastic Avalanche: A Real Parent's Guide to Better Play
The singing plastic dog went off at exactly 3:14 AM. I know the exact time because the microwave clock was glaring at me in the dark kitchen where I was standing in a milk-stained gray nursing tank, furiously shaking a...
Raising a Black baby: A glitch report to my past self
It's 3:14 AM. I'm currently staring at the humidity sensor output for the nursery, trying to correlate a 4% drop in ambient moisture with why our son has been awake since one in the morning. I'm writing this to you,...