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Exposing the Baby Bump to Billionaire Wife Fantasy for Real Moms
It was 2:43 AM last Tuesday, and I was pinned under a snoring toddler, elbow-deep in a bag of salt and vinegar chips, aggressively squinting at my phone screen in the dark. I had fallen down the darkest, weirdest rabbit...
The Truth About Maternity Dresses for Baby Showers
Let me tell y'all the biggest lie the internet ever sold us: that you're going to float into your celebration at thirty-two weeks pregnant looking like a perfectly contoured, dew-kissed fertility goddess in a restrictive satin gown. I'm starting right...
The Impossible Physics of Finding the Right Baby Shower Dress
I was standing in our narrow Portland hallway with a flexible tape measure, trying to calculate the cubic volume of my wife's third-trimester bump. She was holding three different dresses on hangers, crying softly because none of them accounted for...
The Truth About the Cult Baby Body Wolle Seide Obsession
I was standing in the hospital parking lot in late October with a three-day-old Leo, clutching a lukewarm Americano in one hand and staring at his car seat in a total panic. It was windy, and I was wearing those...
The baumwoll leggins damen obsession: Decoding my wife's closet
I'm standing in our Portland basement at 11:45 PM, staring at a laundry basket that appears to contain fourteen identical black fabric tubes. Our eleven-month-old just successfully executed a tactical diaper blowout ten minutes after falling asleep, which means I'm...
Why navigating baby shower chair rentals nearly broke my spirit
It was pouring with rain, naturally, because this is London, and I was wedged firmly between our Victorian front doorframe and a fifty-seven-inch-tall wicker peacock chair. My wife, Sarah, who was approximately eight hundred months pregnant with the twins at...
Troubleshooting the New Mums and Baby Gifts Australia Market
Three different people gave me completely conflicting advice when my sister in Sydney had her baby last month. My neighbor here in Portland told me to ship a six-foot plush kangaroo because "babies love scale." My childless project manager suggested...
Baby Blue Bridesmaid Dresses: The Pregnant & Nursing Mom Guide
I was physically trapped inside a chiffon prison. I was seven months pregnant with Leo, sweating profusely in a tiny bridal boutique fitting room that smelled heavily of vanilla aerosol spray, and my husband Dave was standing on the other...
Dear Past Jess: That Baby Pink Bell Sleeve Turtle Neck Dress Is Bad
Dear Jess from October. It's me, Jess from April. You're currently standing in the Target parking lot with three kids sweating in the backseat, staring at your phone, about to hit 'buy' on that trendy boutique website. I need you...