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How the Peppa Pig New Baby Episode Saved My Sanity With Two Kids
I was sitting squarely on the cold bathroom tile, staring cross-eyed at two pink lines on a plastic stick, while my two-year-old was actively trying to flush my best Mac contour brush down the toilet. He paused his plumbing experiment,...
Why searching for the cast of baby reindeer will ruin your evening
It was 5:17 AM on a Tuesday, an hour that shouldn't legally exist, and my living room looked like a crime scene involving a half-eaten box of oat biscuits and an aggressively smeared syringe of sticky, strawberry-flavoured Calpol. Florence, the...
The Reality of Fitting a Baby Grand Piano in a House with Toddlers
I'm currently on my hands and knees in the lounge, holding one end of a metal tape measure while Maya, who's two, tries to eat the other end. Her twin sister, Lily, is repeatedly smashing a wooden spoon against the...
Baby Got Back: Surviving Sleep Paranoia and Toddler Defiance
My mother-in-law cornered me in the kitchen on day three of fatherhood to firmly insist that babies must sleep on their fronts, otherwise they'll choke on their own spit-up and perish before dawn. The NHS health visitor, who arrived three...
The Truth About Baby Crocs: A Tale of Sweaty Feet and Tears
There's a very specific sound a toddler makes right before gravity wins. It's a sharp intake of breath, followed immediately by the distinctive, hollow thwack of foam rubber failing to grip damp pavement on a slight incline. It was a...
Surviving Backyard Baby Chicks When You Already Have A Toddler
We were standing in the middle of a farm supply store somewhere in the Illinois suburbs when my husband decided we needed to teach our two-year-old about food sustainability. He was holding a cardboard box that vibrated with high-pitched chirps,...
Why that hyper-realistic baby doll is a terrible idea for your kid
Listen. I was standing in my friend Maya's kitchen last Tuesday when she proudly unboxed a four-hundred-dollar reborn silicone infant for her two-year-old. The thing had hand-painted translucent veins, micro-rooted eyelashes, and the exact dead weight of a sleeping newborn....
Dear past me: The ugly truth about the bitty baby
Dear Priya of six months ago. You're currently sitting on the floor of the Target toy aisle while Maya has a full code blue meltdown over a generic plastic doll with terrifying eyelashes. You're rubbing your temples, staring at the...
A letter to myself before I pressed play on that movie
Dear Priya from six months ago. Listen. Put down the television remote and step away from the streaming menu. I know it's eight in the evening, your toddler has been screaming about steering wheels since naptime, and you're operating on...