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Why putting tiny shades on twins feels like a hostage negotiation
I'm currently crouched behind the garden shed, clutching a pair of miniature, neon-pink plastic frames like they're a live grenade, trying to figure out which of my two-year-old daughters is least likely to bite me if I approach her face....
My pediatrician's brutal rules for surviving summer water play
I was standing in my tiny Chicago backyard with a garden hose in one hand and a giant, deflating aesthetic swan in the other. My son was barely four months old, shivering violently in a designer swimsuit that cost more...
The Absolute Sweat-Soaked Truth About Buying Baby Girl Dresses
It was 2 PM, the sun was literally laughing at us, and I was holding a plastic cup of iced coffee that was basically just brown water at that point. We were at my cousin Rachelβs outdoor wedding in August...
The Honest Truth About Taking A Baby To Baby Beach Aruba
I was standing in the middle of the Target diaper aisle wearing these awful linen maternity shorts that I somehow still fit into three years postpartum, holding a lukewarm iced coffee that cost twelve dollars, when my phone buzzed with...
The Great Hydration Panic: Why Infant Water Rules Feel Backwards
It was the great London heatwave of 2022, the kind of oppressive humidity that makes you reconsider all your life choices, when I caught my mother-in-law creeping toward the pram with a miniature plastic cup of tap water. The twins...
How A Sugar Baby Watermelon Defeated Me And My Twin Toddlers
If you ever find yourself wondering whether a standard kitchen sponge is abrasive enough to remove dried fruit pulp from a matte-painted wall, let me save you a frantic Google search. It isn't. You need a dedicated scraper and a...
Dear Jess: What I Wish I Knew Before the Baby Hummingbird Incident
Dear Jess of last May, put down the plastic eye dropper and step away from the kitchen counter before you inadvertently commit a federal wildlife crime. Right now, the baby is strapped to your sweaty chest in the carrier, the...
Surviving the American baby copperhead panic as a clueless dad
The humidity in North Carolina in late August is a physical assault, the kind of oppressive heat that makes your clothes feel like a wet apology. I was standing on my American in-laws' patio, clutching a rapidly melting gin and...
Wait, Are Baby Bonnets Safe? My 2 AM Infant Hair Loss Panic
It was exactly 2:14 AM on a Tuesday. I know this because my glowing phone screen was mocking me in the dark. I was sitting in the nursery rocking chair wearing a maternity tank top that smelled strongly of sour...