Doctor Boss Is My Baby Daddy and Other 3 AM Realities
Dear Sarah from exactly six months ago, It's November 14th, 3:14 AM. You're sitting in the freezing corner of the nursery on that peeling faux-leather glider. You're wearing the grey Target nursing tank with the weird bleach stain on the...
When Do Babies Crawl? A Tech Dad's Guide to the Locomotion Update
My mom told me my younger brother was sprinting across the living room carpet at six months old. The barista at our local Portland coffee shop—who has definitely never had a child—insisted that his nephew didn't move an inch until...
What the Heck is a Sugar Baby (And Why My Kitchen is Sticky)
I was standing at my kitchen island yesterday, scraping dried oatmeal off the counter with a thumbnail while trying to fulfill three Etsy orders for custom nursery signs, when I nearly dropped my phone into a lukewarm mug of coffee....
How To Survive The Santa Baby Phase Without Losing Your Sanity
There I was, sweating profusely through my favorite flannel shirt in a seventy-five-degree Texas December, trying to wedge my screaming firstborn into a faux-fur trimmed sequin outfit while Eartha Kitt purred the santa baby lyrics from my phone speaker perched...
Hush Little Baby Bribes: A Late Night Letter To My Past Self
Hey Marcus of exactly six months ago. You're standing in the dark right now, aren't you? It's 3:14 AM. The nursery thermostat reads exactly 68.4 degrees because you checked the app three times. Your left shoulder is completely numb, you've...
The Impossible Physics of Finding the Right Baby Shower Dress
I was standing in our narrow Portland hallway with a flexible tape measure, trying to calculate the cubic volume of my wife's third-trimester bump. She was holding three different dresses on hangers, crying softly because none of them accounted for...
How We Built a Baby Saja Costume (Without the Meltdown)
I was holding a detached, highly synthetic faux-collar in my left hand while my eleven-month-old son actively tried to eat a teal polyester wig. This was iteration one of the baby Saja outfit, ordered at 2 AM from a drop-shipping...
What I Got Completely Wrong About Baby Cereal
There's a patch of gray, cement-like substance currently adhered to the underside of my kitchen island, and I honestly don't think it's ever coming off. It has survived three rounds of antibacterial spray, a vigorous scrubbing with a wire brush,...
The Truth About Baby's Breath (And Why Pinterest Lied To You)
My hand was hovering roughly two millimeters above my son's chest, waiting for a movement that seemed to be taking centuries. The clock said 3:14 AM. The baby monitor cast a weird green glow over the room, making everything look...