The Great Baby Doppler Debug: Why I Stopped Tracking Heartbeats
My mother told me that if I just pressed a toilet paper tube against my wifeβs belly, I could hear the babyβs heartbeat perfectly. A senior developer on my team swore by buying a discarded clinical-grade ultrasound machine off eBay...
The Absurdity of Sitcom Fathers and the Sticky Reality of Baby D Drops
There I was at 3:14 in the morning, wedged into the corner of the sofa with a rapidly cooling bottle of formula tucked under my chin, desperately trying to keep Twin A from kicking her sister in the head. The...
Why Searching For A Baby Boy Movie Is A Terrible Weekend Idea
It was 6:14 AM on a Sunday, the coffee hasn't kicked in, and my 11-month-old son was aggressively trying to dismantle the living room router. I just wanted twenty minutes of peace. I grabbed the Apple TV remote, typed "baby...
Letter to Past Marcus: The Patch Notes on RSV Vaccine Babies
I'm sitting here in the dark watching the Govee hygrometer on the nursery dresser tick from 48% to 49% humidity, listening to the rhythmic, slightly squeaky breathing of our eleven-month-old. The Portland rain is currently hammering against the window with...
The Toddler Nepo Baby: Surviving Sandpit Privilege
"Get them into St. Jude's nursery now by calling your Aunt Susan," my mother-in-law hissed over a lukewarm cup of Earl Grey last Tuesday, as if we were discussing a covert military op rather than a place where kids eat...
Sleep Training a Baby: A Letter to My Past, Severely Exhausted Self
Dear Marcus of six months ago, You're currently standing in the dark, swaying like a drunken sailor on a turbulent sea. You have an 18-pound weight draped over your left shoulder, and your right hand is frantically typing when to...
Postpartum Baby Bangs: A Dad's Guide to the Hair Regrowth Glitch
Dear Marcus of six months ago: Put down the industrial drain snake and take a deep breath. I know you just pulled a clump of hair out of the shower drain that looks roughly the size of a wet squirrel,...
Doomscrolling Paternity Drama: A Dad's Guide to Co-Parenting
It's exactly 3:14 AM. The nursery thermostat reads 68.4 degrees, which I know because I check the data monitor compulsively whenever the floorboards creak. My eleven-month-old son is currently asleep on my chest, dead weight and drooling onto my collarbone....
How The AGT Winner Jessica Sanchez Baby Name Wrecked My Math
Don't, under any circumstances, try to write a Python script that scrapes the Social Security Administration database to find a moniker with a mathematically perfect syllable-to-vowel ratio. This is a terrible way to name a human. I know this because...