Perky baby what we finna do: A late-night letter to my past self
Dear Jess from six months ago, I know exactly where you're right now. You're sitting on the edge of the glider at 2:13 AM, wearing that oversized faded tee with the spit-up stain on the shoulder, staring at your third...
Dear past me: The windi baby butt whistle saved my sanity
Dear past me from exactly six months ago. You're currently sitting on the cold concrete floor of the garage on a random Tuesday afternoon. You're surrounded by three cardboard boxes aggressively labeled "DONATE" in black Sharpie, and you're holding a...
Finding Fangs: When Do Cats Lose Their Baby Teeth
Listen. I was pulling dried oatmeal off Maya's favorite baby tee when I stepped on the needle. It wasn't a sewing needle, though. I reached down to rub my heel, fully expecting to pull out a rogue piece of plastic...
Wait What Whiskey Is Balcones Baby Blue Doing In The Nursery
I was sitting on my living room floor surrounded by crumpled pastel tissue paper and half-opened gift bags from my baby shower. My mother-in-law was perched on the sofa keeping a literal ledger of who bought what so the thank-you...
Debugging The Baby Don't Be Bald Panic At Two In The Morning
It was 2:14 AM on a Tuesday when I found myself hovering over the crib, shining my iPhone flashlight directly onto the back of my 11-month-old son's head. I was trying to measure the exact radius of the bald spot...
Why We Tore Down The Nursery Walls At 3 AM For Blue Paper
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I was staring at a wall painted a shade the DIY shop had optimistically called 'Sunshine Morning' but which, in the harsh glow of a dimmable nightlight, looked more like 'Aggressive Custard'....
Surviving the Inevitable Baby Keyboard Smash in My Home Office
"asdfghjkl;'" was the exact, unedited message I sent to my accountant last Tuesday at 9:14 AM. I'd love to claim it was an avant-garde statement about the futility of modern tax law, but the truth is considerably shorter, louder, and...
The Brutal Truth About That Public Baby Changing Station Strap
My mother-in-law told me to never let my kid's bare skin touch a public changing table. She suggested I do all diaper changes in the trunk of our sedan, like some sort of parking lot mobster. My favorite doom-scrolling app...
The "stump tail baby lala" incident and other newborn horrors
It was 3:14 AM on our third day home from the hospital, and I was holding a freshly un-nappied twin at arm's length, staring in abject horror at her abdomen. Attached to her tiny, perfect belly was a shriveling, alien...