Magazine
Confessions of dressing my toddler in the teenage dirtbag trend
2:14 AM. The bedroom smells faintly of sour milk and desperation. The Wheatus audio loops on my screen for the forty-seventh time. I watch another exhausted mother transition from a photo of her wearing studded belts and smeared black eyeliner...
Why The Phrase I'm The Joker Baby Sent Me Into A Late Night Panic
It was 2:14 AM. I know the exact time because the glowing red numbers on our kitchen microwave were burning into my retinas while I swayed back and forth, doing that desperate zombie-mom bounce. I was wearing my husband Mark's...
Surviving The Baby Kitty Phase When Your Kid Decides To Meow
Sarahβs Honda hadn't even cleared the driveway before the transformation occurred. I was standing in the kitchen, tracking the ambient room temperature on the thermostat (a solid 68 degrees), when I heard a sound that I can only describe as...
The Strange Toddler Phase Of Acting Like A Lost Feline
It's precisely 6:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I'm standing in my kitchen wearing a dressing gown that smells faintly of sour milk and defeat, watching my daughter Florence enthusiastically lick the skirting board. Her twin sister, Matilda, is aggressively...
I Want My Baby Back Ribs: A Parent's Guide to BBQ Survival
The greatest lie ever sold to modern fathers is the myth of the Sunday Barbecue Patriarch. You know the bloke. Heβs standing on a pristine patio holding a pair of silver tongs, staring thoughtfully into a massive matte-black smoker for...
Dear Exhausted Mom: The Massive Lie About Sleeping Like a Baby
Dear Jess from six months ago, Youβre currently sitting cross-legged on the linoleum floor of the laundry room at 3:14 AM, trying to fold a mountain of onesies with one hand while desperately swaying a screaming newborn in your other...
Why "Love You Like A Love Song" Saved My Sanity (A Letter)
Dear Jess from last November. You're currently sitting on the peeling linoleum in the hallway, hiding from a four-month-old who's screaming like a tiny banshee because you put him on his stomach. The Texas heat is absolutely brutal outside, our...
Why newborn babies come out covered in slippery cream cheese
The lights in the surgical theatre were violently bright, the machines were beeping in a rhythm that did absolutely nothing for my blood pressure, and I had been awake for approximately thirty-six hours. My wife was hidden behind a sterile...
The "i just a baby" phase ruined my pediatric nursing degree
I'm staring at the digital clock on my breast pump. It's 3:14 AM in my freezing Chicago apartment, the wind off Lake Michigan is rattling the windowpanes, and I can't remember what a let-down reflex is. Four years of nursing...