My 3 AM Kitchen Panic: Finding Baby Roaches Near the Bottles
It was exactly 3:14 in the morning. I know this because my eyes were burning holes into the neon green numbers on the microwave clock while I stood completely frozen on the cold kitchen tiles. I was wearing these hideous,...
Screen Time Reality: A Mom's Take On The Little Baby Bum Craze
When my oldest was born, my mom flat-out told me that looking at a screen before age two would permanently short-circuit his brain. My pediatrician shrugged at our six-month checkup and said fifteen minutes of a cartoon so I could...
The Great Naked Baby Rebellion: Surviving Twin Toddler Nudity
It's 7:14 AM, and the unmistakable sound of bare feet slapping against the cold hardwood floor echoes down the hallway. I'm standing near the radiator holding a pair of tiny corduroy trousers that cost more than my first car, watching...
Dear Past Marcus: Debugging The Toddler Consumerism Bug
Dear Marcus from exactly six months ago, You're currently sitting on the living room rug, watching our five-month-old try to gnaw the security chip off your Amex card. You think it's hilarious. You're probably taking a photo to send to...
What an Endangered Red Panda Taught Me About Parenting My Wild Child
The glow of my dual monitors was the only light in the living room while my eleven-month-old son performed what I can only describe as a sustained velociraptor screech from his playpen. It was 3:14 AM. I was supposed to...
Why Raising an 11-Month-Old Feels Like Having a Baby Polar Bear
At 3:14 AM last Tuesday, I found myself sitting on the nursery floor in the dark, bathed in the blue light of my phone, holding a sleeping 11-month-old who currently weighs as much as a medium-sized microwave. My browser history...
The Plastic Avalanche: A Real Parent's Guide to Better Play
The singing plastic dog went off at exactly 3:14 AM. I know the exact time because the microwave clock was glaring at me in the dark kitchen where I was standing in a milk-stained gray nursing tank, furiously shaking a...
The Elektrische ZahnbΓΌrste Kinder Guide: What Actually Works
At 7:14 PM last Tuesday, I was pinning my 11-month-old to the bath mat in a gentle, modified jiu-jitsu hold while a neon-green vibrating brush whirred aggressively against my left nostril. He was laughing. I was sweating. The toothpaste had...
Raising a Black baby: A glitch report to my past self
It's 3:14 AM. I'm currently staring at the humidity sensor output for the nursery, trying to correlate a 4% drop in ambient moisture with why our son has been awake since one in the morning. I'm writing this to you,...