Why I Finally Let My Kids Listen to Fantastic Baby Lyrics
It was 2:14 PM on a rainy Tuesday, I was wearing a nursing tank top that smelled strongly of old milk and desperation, and my husband Dave was having a full-blown basement rave with our then six-month-old daughter, Maya. Like,...
The Four Seasons Orlando Baby and Other Internet Lies
Dear Tom from six months ago, You're currently hiding in the downstairs loo while Florence tries to forcefully feed a damp oatcake to the Wi-Fi router. Matilda is sitting on the rug, entirely naked from the waist down, staring at...
Freestyle Lil Baby & Car Rides: Bass, Babies, and Eardrums
My mother-in-law Sheila leaned right into the bassinet and told me, in absolute dead earnestness, that playing Mozart at a low volume was the only mathematically proven way to build brain cells in an infant. My 22-year-old cousin, who by...
The Late-Night Reality of Setting Up That Baby Miko Robot
It's 11 PM on a Tuesday. I'm sitting cross-legged on my living room rug, holding a microscopic reset pin, violently whispering at a plastic screen that keeps telling me it's thinking. My toddler is asleep in the next room, completely...
Finding a Nest in the Garden: A Warning About Infant Rabbits
Dear Tom from exactly six months ago. Right now, you're standing in the middle of the back garden holding a half-eaten Hobnob, wearing only one wellington boot, while your two-year-old twin daughters scream with a terrifying mixture of joy and...
Dear Past Me: What I Wish I Knew About Buying a Baby Piano
Dear Jess from six months ago, I know exactly where you're right now. You're hiding in the walk-in pantry, sitting on a sack of jasmine rice, pretending to look for the good coffee while actually just trying to escape the...
The brutal truth about choosing a baby mobile for crib survival
I was lying flat on my back on the reasonably clean portion of the nursery rug, my cheek pressed against a discarded Calpol syringe, watching a plastic hippo spin furiously at forty revolutions per minute while a tinny, slightly off-key...
Throw Away the Weekly Milestone App Before You Lose Your Mind
I was sitting on the bath mat at 2:14 AM, the harsh blue light of my phone illuminating the absolute panic on my face while my oldest, Leo, slept in the next room. I was staring at the glowing screen...
Why The "Goldie Baby Porn" Search Hijack Changed How I Parent
It was exactly 2:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I was sitting on the edge of the bathtub in those gray fleece sweatpants that have completely lost their waistband elasticity, furiously deleting three years' worth of Instagram photos with a...