Magazine
Dear Me: Put Down the Flashcards and Let Them Be a Baby Tiger
I'm standing barefoot on a rogue plastic dinosaur, staring at a laminated stack of mandarin flashcards I bought on the internet at two in the morning, while my three-year-old is using a half-eaten waffle to paint maple syrup across my...
A Letter to Past Me About the Illusion of the Perfect Baby Swing
Hey Marcus from six months ago. It's November, it's raining in Portland again, and you're currently staring at a $250 motorized bucket that oscillates at exactly 43 beats per minute while you pray it'll silence the tiny human who has...
Before and After: Surviving the Panic of Your Kid's Baby Steps
I'm sitting on the floor of our living room. Itβs a Tuesday in late 2021, and I'm wearing a pair of black leggings that have a mystery yogurt stain crusted onto the left knee. My son, Leo, who's thirteen months...
My chaotic guide to finding an orphaned baby squirrel in your yard
The wind in Chicago in April is basically a personal insult. I was already standing in the kitchen watching my toddler have a full-scale meltdown because his morning banana had the audacity to break in half. I was mentally calculating...
Dear Past Tom: The Truth About Achieving That Baby Smoove Skin
Dear Tom from six months ago, You're currently sitting on the cold tiles of the downstairs loo at 3:14 AM, the only room in the house where you can turn on a light without waking your wife or the twins....
Farmyard Crises and Explaining Baby Sheep to Toddlers
I'm standing ankle-deep in something I'm desperately praying is just mud at Mudchute Farm, trying to wipe half a chewed oat biscuit off Twin Aβs cheek, when Twin B extends a sticky, demanding finger toward the livestock enclosure. The sky...
The yellow menace: A twin dad's survival guide to baby shark toys
It's 4:12 in the morning. I'm standing in the hallway wearing nothing but mismatched socks and a pair of boxers that have seen significantly better days, violently negotiating with a water-activated plastic fish. The fish is singing. It has been...
Decoding the Baby Shark Lyrics Without Completely Losing It
It's 6:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I'm standing in my dimly lit Portland kitchen holding a rapidly cooling pour-over while my 11-month-old attempts to dismantle the lower cabinet hardware. He isn't crying, exactly. He's emitting this steady, rhythmic low-frequency...
Why I Finally Caved and Bought a Play Area for My Kids
It was a Tuesday morning in late 2017, and I was wearing a pair of black yoga pants that had a highly questionable smear of sweet potato puree on the left thigh. Maya was seven months old, which meant she...