Baby Alien Erome: Surviving The Extraterrestrial Phase
The most insidious lie peddled to expectant parents isn't that you'll eventually sleep again, or that you'll somehow maintain your pre-baby social life (you won't, and honestly, staying in is cheaper anyway). The biggest myth is that newborns arrive looking...
The Midnight Babi Meltdowns: Surviving Drool and Sleeplessness
Whatever you do, do NOT google "why are my kid's gums blue" at three in the morning. I was sitting on the edge of the glider in Maya's nurseryβthe gray one we bought off Craigslist that always squeaked if you...
Why The Ashanti Baby Drama Triggered My Deepest Night Shift Rage
The absolute biggest lie we tell pregnant women isn't about the ring of fire during childbirth, and it's not about how breastfeeding is supposed to feel "natural." It's this bizarre, culturally accepted myth that men somehow physically lack the biological...
The "asa baby monster" Google Trap: A Guide to Actual Toddler Chaos
There I was, at 3:14 am on a Tuesday, blinking at my glowing phone screen while Twin A rhythmically headbutted my collarbone. I had simply wanted to buy a cute, slightly terrifying novelty onesie for Halloween. I typed what I...
The Truth About Controlling Your Baby's First Steps
I'm hunched over at a ninety-degree angle, my lower back screaming, holding Maya's tiny hands straight up in the air like she's a miniature hostage. It's, like, a Tuesday at 9 AM, I'm on my third cup of lukewarm coffee,...
Dear Past Sarah: Everything To Know About The Baby Whale Phase
Dear Sarah of exactly six months ago, You're currently hiding in the downstairs half-bath. I know this because I remember the exact smell of the lavender air freshener you're stress-spraying, and I know you're wearing those black Lululemon leggings with...
Dear Past Marcus: A Debugging Guide to the Basic Baby Onesie
It's 3:14 AM in our drafty Portland apartment, and I'm holding my screaming four-month-old son at arm's length like he's a live explosive device. The incident has breached containment. A toxic, mustard-yellow substance has defied the elastic boundaries of his...
The Absolute Chaos of Finding a Toddler Boy Sweater That Works
It was 7:42 AM on a Tuesday in late November, and I was standing in the mudroom holding a half-drunk iced Americanoβbecause Iβm an idiot who drinks iced coffee in 38-degree weatherβwrestling Leo into a miniature fishermanβs knit. He was...
My Chicago Winter Blowout and the Perfect Onesies Baby
It was two in the morning inside the Northwestern Memorial Hospital parking garage in late January. The wind off Lake Michigan was doing that thing where it physically hurts your face. My daughter, then six weeks old, had just weaponized...