Why I Applied Chinese Baby Traditions to My British Twins
It was 9:47 PM on a Tuesday, roughly four months before our lives permanently imploded, when my wifeβwho was at that point roughly the size and shape of a medium family carβaggressively tapped her phone screen and demanded I calculate...
Is My Baby Turning Blue Or Am I Just Sleep-Deprived And Panicking?
When we started weaning the twins, I received three distinct, entirely contradictory pieces of advice within a single twenty-four-hour period. My mother, dispensing wisdom from the 1990s, called to say, "Whatever you do, Tommy, don't give them carrots yet, they'll...
The Truth About Beechnut Baby Food When You Have Twin Girls
It was 11:43 PM on a Tuesday. The NutriBullet was emitting a high-pitched scream usually reserved for dying spacecraft, and I was standing in my kitchen in nothing but my boxer shorts, covered in a fine, sticky mist of pureed...
Sorting out the truth about cooking potatoes for your infant
My mother-in-law told me to boil them in full-fat milk and mash them with enough ghee to lubricate a small engine. She said it would make my son strong, calling him her little beta while ignoring my terrified first-time-mom face....
Best Bottles for Breastfed Babies: A Messy Transition Story
We were sitting in booth 42 at the Olive Garden off Interstate 35, and I was actively ruining everyone's lunch. My oldest son was four weeks old, screaming at a pitch that I'm pretty sure shattered a breadstick, and my...
Dear Past Marcus: Debugging the Baby Brezza Formula Pro Advanced
Dear Marcus from six months ago, It's currently 3:14 AM. You're standing barefoot on the cold kitchen tiles of our Portland apartment, illuminated only by the aggressive, blinking red light of a plastic tower. You're holding a screaming five-month-old in...
How to cook baby bok choy so your infant actually swallows it
It's somehow already dinner time in Chicago. The radiator is hissing, the kitchen smells vaguely of sesame oil and parental desperation, and my toddler is methodically wiping a bright green leaf across her forehead like a damp washcloth. I'm staring...
Raising a Formula Baby: The Midnight Maths I Completely Failed
I'm standing in the kitchen in just my boxers, staring blankly at a silver tin of powder while the kettle aggressively clicks off. It's 3:14 AM. Upstairs, Twin A is doing her best impression of a hungry velociraptor, while Twin...
The High Chair Mistakes I Made (So You Don't Have To)
I was sitting on my kitchen floor at 11:15 PM on a Tuesday, wearing sweatpants that smelled aggressively like sour milk, using one of my husbandβs old electric toothbrush heads to scrub pulverized sweet potato out of the ruffled seams...