Finding A Baby Pigeon In Your Backyard (And What To Do Next)
"I need you to put the coffee down," my husband Dave said at exactly 7:14 AM on a Tuesday, wearing only one sock and looking like he'd seen an actual ghost in our hydrangeas. He was holding our seven-year-old, Leo,...
Why We Blasted Baby Pluto To Survive The Fourth Trimester
It’s 3:17 AM on a Tuesday in November. I’m sitting in the driver’s seat of my husband Dave’s Honda Civic, parked securely in our own driveway with the engine idling. I’m wearing a gray fleece bathrobe that smells aggressively like...
My Disastrous Attempt at Raising a Pokémon Fan (And What Worked)
It was a Tuesday in 2019, I was running on maybe three hours of broken sleep, wearing a pair of Target leggings that smelled vaguely of sour milk, and I decided this was the perfect moment to introduce my then-two-year-old...
Dear Past Me: The Ultimate Baby Proofing System for Clueless Dads
Dear Marcus from six months ago. You're currently feeling pretty smug. Your baby is five months old, mostly stays exactly where you put him, and basically acts like a warm, milk-drunk potato. You look around our Portland apartment and think,...
Dear Past Me: What to Know Before Getting a Pug Puppy
Dear Jess from last October. You’re currently standing in the driveway holding a cardboard box that contains what looks like a hyperactive, three-pound baked potato with giant eyeballs, and you're entirely too confident about this life choice. I know exactly...
A Letter To Myself About Surviving The Evening Scream Fest
I found this note sitting in my drafts folder from exactly six months ago. My mate Dave had just texted me from the pub (a man who currently thinks 'tired' means getting eight hours of sleep but waking up once...
What the 100 Baby Challenge Sims 4 Taught Me About Real Twins
There's half a mashed banana firmly cemented to the kitchen ceiling, and I'm currently crouched behind the breakfast island while my two-year-old twin daughters aggressively negotiate the ownership of a wooden block using only high-pitched, dolphin-like squeals. It's 7:14 in...
Surviving the Chaos: The Truth About Raising a One-Year-Old
I was on my hands and knees, using a blunt butter knife to scrape a disturbing amount of smashed avocado out of the grooves of our Victorian skirting board, when I realised the greatest lie of modern parenting. The lie...
The survival guide to your 1 month old baby: Grunting and chaos
It's 3:14 AM and I'm currently having a staring contest with a four-week-old dictator. Before this week, both my twin girls were essentially sleepy, squishy potatoes who occasionally demanded milk. But at exactly one month old, a terrifying switch flipped....