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Dear Past Sarah: Everything To Know About The Baby Whale Phase
Dear Sarah of exactly six months ago, You're currently hiding in the downstairs half-bath. I know this because I remember the exact smell of the lavender air freshener you're stress-spraying, and I know you're wearing those black Lululemon leggings with...
Finding Rare Beanie Babies In The Attic (And Why I Panicked)
Dear Priya from last October. You're sitting on the concrete floor of your parents' garage in Naperville, surrounded by cardboard boxes that smell like old rain and mothballs. Your mom is upstairs texting you asking if you found the baby...
The Midnight Delusion of Finding a Flawless Baby Gender Predictor
It's 2:14 in the morning, and I'm standing in our freezing London kitchen dangling my wife's wedding ring on a piece of mint-flavored dental floss over her slightly convex stomach. She is entirely ignoring me, aggressively eating pickled onions straight...
Dear Past Marcus: A Debugging Guide to the Basic Baby Onesie
It's 3:14 AM in our drafty Portland apartment, and I'm holding my screaming four-month-old son at arm's length like he's a live explosive device. The incident has breached containment. A toxic, mustard-yellow substance has defied the elastic boundaries of his...
The Butternut Squash Disaster and Finding Decent Adult Bibs
It's 6:14 PM on a Thursday. My kitchen smells like roasted garlic and sheer desperation. I'm wearing a gray hoodie with a mystery stain on the sleeve that I'm just telling everyone is toothpaste but it's definitely yogurt from two...
A Letter to Myself About the Toddler Blanket Transition
You're currently staring at the glowing screen of the Motorola video monitor on your bedside table, watching as Maya attempts a sort of aggressive, synchronised swimming routine inside her 2.5 TOG sleep sack. She looks like a deeply frustrated, slightly...
Why Taking Kids to a Physical Clothing Store is a Total Trap
It's 3:14 PM on a Tuesday, and I'm wedged into a cubicle the size of a shoebox at our local mall, sweating through my favorite shirt and gripping an eight-dollar lukewarm vanilla latte like it might save my life. Maya,...
What You Actually Need to Know About a Baby With Red Hair Now
I was standing in the middle of aisle four at H-E-B, holding two packs of store-brand diapers and trying to calculate if I had enough energy to make it to the frozen food section for a frozen pizza. My baby...
What That Weird Jelly Slime and Mucus in Baby Poop Really Means
I was standing in the family restroom at Target, balancing a lukewarm iced coffee on the edge of the changing table, staring down at a diaper that looked, for lack of a better description, like a ghost had sneezed in...