Magazine

A tired mom holding a silicone panda teether while her toddler dances in the living room

My Messy Guide to Surviving All Three Kinds of Baby Sharks

I'm standing in the downstairs bathroom at six in the morning, holding a plastic light-up dinosaur flashlight between my teeth, trying to pry my five-year-old's jaw open while he thrashes around like a feral raccoon trapped in a feed bin....

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Coffee cup next to a messy baby journal and uncensored baby steps

The Real Baby Steps Uncensored: Surviving the Messy Parenting Journey

My mother-in-law cornered me by the kitchen island last Thanksgiving while I was wearing a sweater that actively smelled like sour milk and told me that Leo’s occasional toddler swiping needed to be handled with "immediate, absolute authority." Two days...

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Exhausted dad staring at a laptop spreadsheet while holding a crying baby

Raising A Baby Hitler: Why I Stopped Tracking Cries And Held My Kid

Dear Marcus from exactly six months ago, It's currently 3:14 AM in your timeline, and I know exactly what you're doing. You're sitting in the glow of your laptop in the nursery, holding a screaming, five-month-old Maya, and you're logging...

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Close up of an eleven month old baby foot kicking on a wooden floor in Portland

Before and After: Debugging the Weird Hardware of a Baby Foot

Last Tuesday at 3 AM, I found myself holding my son's left ankle like I was inspecting a suspicious external hard drive, trying to figure out how his toes were suddenly jammed completely sideways inside his pajamas. The nursery monitor...

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Tired dad holding an eleven month old baby while looking confused at a laptop screen showing sleep data

How to Actually Troubleshoot Your Way to an Fantastic Baby

It was 2:14 AM on a Tuesday, the Portland rain was actively mocking my sanity against the bedroom window, and my 11-month-old was throwing a massive runtime error. I had tried the bouncing walk, the aggressive shushing, the weird yoga-ball-hip-sway...

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A bewildered dad staring at a sleeping newborn baby

A Baby Born In Portland: My Complete First-Time Dad Meltdown

The thermostat in Room 314 of the maternity ward was locked at exactly 68 degrees, but I was sweating through my gray hoodie like I was pushing a critical database update to production at 2 AM with no backup. My...

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A toddler wearing an organic cotton bodysuit playing in the mud outside.

Why I Swapped Helicopter Parenting for the Achtung Baby Method

It was a Tuesday morning, maybe 10 AM, and I was wearing a pair of black yoga pants that definitely had spit-up crusted on the left thigh from three days prior. I was physically army-crawling through one of those enclosed...

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Toddler having a meltdown on the living room rug after a tablet is taken away

The Cocomelon baby shark meltdown and how we survived

It was a Tuesday at 5:15 PM, which in a Chicago November means it had been pitch black outside for an hour. I was standing in my kitchen, staring at an unpeeled onion, trying to figure out how to cook...

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Stressed mom holding a coffee mug while looking at a tablet screen in confusion

A Letter To Past Me: That Cry Baby Movie Was A Huge Mistake!

Dear Sarah from exactly six months ago, Right now you're standing in the kitchen. It's exactly 6:14 AM on a Tuesday, and you're wearing those awful gray maternity sweatpantsβ€”yes, the ones with the mysterious bleach stain on the left thigh...

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