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What Pediatric Nurses Actually Think About Your Bitty Baby Doll
I was working the Tuesday afternoon shift at the clinic when a panicked mother brought in her eighteen-month-old and a heavy, suspiciously damp cloth doll. The waiting room was already packed with the usual winter crud, but this case stood...
The Truth About Buying A Baby G-Shock Watch For Your Kid
It was exactly 3:14 PM on a Tuesday, and I was standing in the middle of my kitchen wearing yoga pants with a highly questionable yogurt stain on the knee, desperately trying to saw through a thick pink resin watch...
Why a 1980s baby boom cast makes more sense than modern apps
My mum casually mentioned last Tuesday that if I didn't start putting a pulverized rusk into the twins' nighttime milk, they would never sleep past 4 am and I'd be looking at stunted growth by their third birthday. The bloke...
How to Choose Cute Baby Girl Names Without Losing Your Mind
We're sitting in the parking lot of a Texas Roadhouse in the dead of August. I'm 38 weeks pregnant, sweating through a maternity shirt I bought on clearance, and absolutely sobbing into a to-go container of buttered rolls. Why? Because...
Why a Real Babys Day Out Requires a Massive Deployment Pipeline
I was standing by the open door of my Honda Civic, sweating through a flannel shirt in 60-degree Portland weather, holding a diaper bag that weighed roughly the same as a car battery. My 11-month-old son was strapped into his...
Surviving Midnight Fevers: The Thermometers That Actually Work
I was standing in the master bathroom completely naked at two in the morning, trying to read a plastic pacifier thermometer by the light of my iPhone flash while my firstborn screamed like I was actively torturing him. That was...
Why I ruined bedtime with that viral Million Dollar Baby song
I was crouching behind the living room sofa, my phone balanced precariously on a half-empty packet of water wipes, waiting for the heavy bass to drop. The plan was incredibly simple. I'd film Florence and Matilda in their breakfast-stained sleepsuits,...
The pretty baby brooke shields documentary totally broke my brain
It was 11:43 PM on a random Tuesday, and I was sitting on the couch in my husband Mike's college sweatpants—the ones with the highly questionable bleach stain on the knee—eating slightly stale goldfish crackers directly off Maya's Elsa plate....
Letter to Past Me: That Sorry Baby Movie Is Definitely Not A Comedy
Dear Jess from six months ago. You're currently sitting on the faded living room rug in your yoga pants, elbow-deep in a mountain of mismatched toddler socks, staring blindly at the streaming menu. Your oldest is trying to feed his...