Choosing my first baby doll before the new sibling arrives
My daughter was holding the plastic newborn by its left ankle, dragging its bald, rigid head across the kitchen tile like a club. The eyes clicked open and shut with every hollow bounce. I was seven months pregnant with baby...
What Does Baby Booster Mean? My Chaotic Guide To Seats And Sanity
Tuesday, 4:13 PM. Itβs pouring rain, my iced coffee is watering down to a depressing beige puddle in my cupholder, and I'm standing next to my Honda CR-V staring at my phone while Leo, who's four and possesses the lung...
The Honest Truth About Buying a Baby Pouf for Your Nursery
Itβs 3:17 AM, and I'm physically stuck in a velvet floor cushion. My mother-in-law insisted this giant, overstuffed monstrosity was a nursery absolute necessity, and right now I'm trying to extract my left leg from its sinking depths without waking...
Debugging My 11-Month-Old Baby's First Guitar Playing Setup
Yesterday at exactly 4:13 PM, my daughter attempted to eat the low E string off my Martin acoustic dreadnought. I was sitting on the rug in our living roomβwhich I keep at a very precise, data-backed 68.5 degrees for best...
The Messy Truth About First Words (And Why I Stopped Panicking)
I was wearing those awful grey maternity leggings that I refused to throw away, smelling faintly of sour milk, sitting on a beige rug that's now permanently stained with something I refuse to identify. Leo was fourteen months old, pointing...
A Letter to Myself About That Ridiculous Digital Baby Tiger
Dear Jess from six months ago, I know you're currently standing at the kitchen island, elbow-deep in raw chicken while the baby aggressively throws cheerios at the dog, but I need you to drop the tongs and walk into the...
How to survive your toddler's very first baby teeth xray appointment
Listen. You don't really know pure, unfiltered anxiety until you're sitting in a pediatric dental waiting room off Michigan Avenue, trying to convince a two-year-old that the giant mechanical arm hovering near his face isn't a decepticon. He's wearing a...
Why I Finally Banned Baby Super Bratz Movies in My House
I was up to my elbows in Etsy shipping labels, frantically trying to beat the rural Texas post office cutoff time, when I heard the unmistakable sound of my good MAC lipstick being dragged across the hardwood floor. You know,...
The Tomodachi Life Save Editor Panic: Hacking for Virtual Babies
It was exactly 6:43 AM on a Tuesday, and I was standing in my kitchen wearing a target-brand fleece robe that has an unidentifiable crusty stain on the left pocket (yogurt? toothpaste? honestly I don't want to know), pouring my...