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Raising a Formula Baby: The Midnight Maths I Completely Failed
I'm standing in the kitchen in just my boxers, staring blankly at a silver tin of powder while the kettle aggressively clicks off. It's 3:14 AM. Upstairs, Twin A is doing her best impression of a hungry velociraptor, while Twin...
How Do Babies Breathe In The Womb? My Midwife Set Me Straight
There I was, twenty weeks pregnant with my oldest, laying on a paper-covered table in a freezing room that smelled distinctly of industrial hand sanitizer and old magazines. The ultrasound tech was aggressively pushing the wand into my bladder when...
The High Chair Mistakes I Made (So You Don't Have To)
I was sitting on my kitchen floor at 11:15 PM on a Tuesday, wearing sweatpants that smelled aggressively like sour milk, using one of my husbandβs old electric toothbrush heads to scrub pulverized sweet potato out of the ruffled seams...
The Michelin Star Delusion: Surviving the Home Baby Bistro Era
I'm currently staring at a bright orange smear on my kitchen ceiling that has been there for three consecutive days. Apparently, an 11-month-old baby can generate enough torque in his right arm to launch a silicone spoonful of artisanal sweet...
The Brutal, Beautiful Truth About the Always Be My Baby Phase
I'm standing at my kitchen island right now, staring at a mountain of laundry that smells vaguely like goat feed and sour milk. On the left side of the counter, I've got my four-year-old's mud-caked jeans that look like they...
The Truth About Building a Target Registry for Your Baby
I was seven months pregnant with my oldest, sweating through my maternity leggings in the middle of a Target aisle, clutching a plastic barcode scanner like it was a weapon. My mom was tossing wipe warmers and tiny, pointless patent...
A Letter To Myself About The Spider Baby Panic
Dear Priya from six months ago. You're currently standing in the doorway of the nursery at two in the morning, holding the Dyson stick vacuum like it's a loaded weapon. You're wearing a milk-stained nursing bra from yesterday, your eyes...
Why a baby cast and an indie film is a terrible Friday night
It's 8:14 PM on a Friday, and my left hand is currently bonded to a Tupperware container of rapidly hardening purple alginate, while Rachel Sennott has a full-blown panic attack on my television screen. My wife is desperately trying to...
How to Be a Rich Baby Daddy Without Actually Having Any Money
I'm standing in a painfully well-lit Marylebone baby boutique at eleven in the morning on a Tuesday, holding a Β£400 self-rocking bassinet, while one of my two-year-old twins actively attempts to eat a display shoe. The sales assistant is looking...