The Truth About Kirkland Baby Wipes: A Letter to My Past Self
Dear Sarah from June 2024, You're currently sitting on the cold kitchen floor in those faded black Lululemon leggings that have a questionable hole near the seam, holding a cup of lukewarm coffee you poured at 8 AM, and you're...
Confessions of a smug London dad: Surviving a real cry-baby
It was 3:14 in the morning, and the hallway carpet was perfectly imprinting its cheap synthetic weave into my bare knees. I had Twin A tucked under my left arm like a highly volatile rugby ball, and Twin B draped...
Consumer reports baby formula data broke my brain as a dad
Last Tuesday, at exactly 2:14 AM, I found myself standing in the kitchen illuminated only by the harsh green glow of the microwave clock, staring at a plastic scoop of white powder like it was radioactive material. Before my son...
My Kid is Obsessed with Chiquita Baby Monster and I Am Tired
It was 7:14 AM on a Tuesday, which in my house is basically the witching hour but with more aggressive demands for waffles. I was standing in the kitchen wearing a robe that distinctly smelled like old milk and failure,...
The Honest Parent's Guide to Surviving Carhartt Baby Clothes
It's a freezing Tuesday in November 2018, and I'm standing in the middle of a disgustingly hip baby boutique in Portland, Oregon, wearing yoga pants that haven't seen an actual yoga studio since Obama was in office. I'm clutching a...
Britney Spears Hit Me Baby One More Time: A Dad's Sleep Hack
Dear Marcus from six months ago. It's 3:14 AM, you're currently standing by the changing table in the dark, and you're holding a five-month-old who's screaming at a frequency that's definitely violating several local Portland noise ordinances. You have tried...
My Kids Discovered Britney Spears Baby One More Time (Oh God)
It was exactly 7:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I was standing in front of the coffee maker wearing my husband Dave's old Syracuse sweatpantsβthe ones with the mysterious hardened yogurt stain on the left kneeβwhen I heard it. Maya,...
Why the True Story of Brenda's Got A Baby Changed My Parenting
It was 3:14 AM. I know the exact time because I track every single one of my son's sleep disturbances in a spreadsheet, like some sort of deranged data analyst trying to find a pattern in pure chaos. I was...
Debugging the Bratty G Baby Phase Before You Lose Your Mind
Yesterday, my 11-month-old threw a shoe at my head because I wouldn't let him eat a handful of potting soil, which prompted three completely different unsolicited diagnoses from the people in my life. My mom, who aggressively refers to him...