Magazine

A stressed dad looking at a smart speaker while holding a baby

The Smart Speaker Disaster and Finding Safe Lil Baby Songs

My mother-in-law cornered me in the kitchen last Thanksgiving to explain that if I didn't play Mozart for my son at exactly 432 hertz, his neural pathways would fail to optimize for advanced calculus. The next day, the barista at...

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Tired dad holding an awake baby looking at a smartphone screen in a dark room

Sparkle Megan Baby Daddy Drama: A Tired Dad's Honest Take

It was 2:14 AM on a Tuesday, and my eleven-month-old son, Leo, was currently undergoing some sort of mysterious firmware update that apparently required him to aggressively slap my collarbone while wide awake in the dark. My wife, Sarah, was...

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Bewildered dad holding an avocado teether while looking at his drooling baby

When Do Babies Get Teeth? A Dad's Troubleshooting Guide

Dear Marcus from six months ago: Put down the tactical flashlight. She is not going to let you look in her mouth, and shining a 1000-lumen beam at a five-month-old's face at 2 AM is exactly why your wife is...

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Dad catching a baby falling over sideways on a playmat

Debugging Gravity: When Do Babies Start Sitting Up Usually?

It's currently 7:14 PM, and I'm building a fortress of couch cushions around my eleven-month-old daughter on our living room rug. She is folded entirely in half, staring intensely at a piece of lint she found near the coffee table....

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Portland dad holding an eleven-month-old baby otter in a community swimming pool wrapped in a towel.

Debugging Infant Water Safety and the Sea Otter Parenting Method

I'm currently losing a wrestling match with a wet, angry noodle on a bench that smells aggressively of bleach. My eleven-month-old son has somehow managed to triple his body weight purely through the physics of being slippery, and the acoustic...

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Exhausted dad holding a spreadsheet about baby gear while staring in bewilderment at toddler toys

Ready For Baby One More Time? A Dad's Glitchy Guide

It was 3:14 AM. The air was thick with the smell of organic sweet potato puree and sheer desperation. Our 11-month-old, Leo, had just executed a flawless system override by projectile vomiting directly into my left slipper. I was standing...

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Tired dad looking at a laptop spreadsheet while holding a baby

Debugging the Ultimate Spreadsheet of Baby Names for Girls - Dad Log

Dear Marcus from six months ago, You're currently sitting at your desk at 2 AM. Your daughter is five months old, sleeping for a miraculous forty-two-minute stretch, and your brain is finally quiet. Then your buddy Dave texts you. He...

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A tired dad holding a teething toy while looking at a garden drain

How the Baby Jessica Rescue Made Me Fear My Own Back Garden

Tuesday morning, 11:14 AM. Florence has somehow managed to wedge her entire left leg into an exposed drainage pipe near the rhododendrons. I'm frozen in the doorway holding a half-empty mug of lukewarm builder's tea, watching my two-year-old attempt to...

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Exhausted dad staring at a glowing baby monitor smartphone app in the dark

Why I Cannot Stop Staring at the Night Vision Baby Monitor

It's 3:14 AM, and the blue light of my smartphone is the only thing illuminating our bedroom ceiling. My wife is completely unconscious next to me, breathing in a steady rhythm that I deeply envy. Meanwhile, I'm zoomed in 400x...

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