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The Truth About That Massive Amazon Baby Registry Checklist
I was exactly thirty-two weeks pregnant with my oldest, sitting on the floor of my half-painted nursery at two in the morning, sobbing uncontrollably because a little green progress bar on my laptop told me my list was only forty...
Debugging the baby shark phase: Viral videos and double teeth
Don't ever assume an algorithm knows how to soothe your kid better than you do. I learned this the hard way at a coffee shop on Hawthorne last Tuesday, thinking a quick blast of YouTube would act as a temporary...
The Truth About The Baby Driver Movie And Actual Car Seat Safety
Let's talk about the biggest, fattest lie the universe feeds expecting parents: that babies inherently love riding in the car. You know the exact myth I'm talking about. You've probably seen those pristine, beige-aesthetic moms on Instagram claiming that all...
Why Good Infant Black Leggings Are The Only Baby Pants You Need
There I was, profusely sweating through my favorite nursing tank in the middle of a crowded pumpkin patch, trying to wrestle my oldest son's chunky six-month-old thighs out of a pair of miniature rigid corduroy overalls. He was screaming, I...
Dear Past Me: The Truth About That Newborn Jumper Fantasy
Dear Tom of six months ago, You're currently sitting on the hallway floor of our terribly drafted London flat at 3:14 in the morning. Your left shoulder smells aggressively of sour milk, your right knee is entirely numb from the...
Dear Past Marcus: Troubleshooting the Great Baby Mat Matrix
Row 47 of my "Baby Infrastructure" Google Sheet is where my sanity finally encountered a fatal error. It was 2:14 AM. The ambient temperature in the nursery was exactly 71.4 degrees, I had logged 11 wet diapers for the day,...
Buying a FuΓsack Kinderwagen Winter Neugeborene? Read This
It was mid-February, it was maybe fourteen degrees outside, and I was standing on the sidewalk in front of our local bakery crying into a lukewarm cappuccino. Leo was exactly three weeks old. I was wearing maternity leggings that had...
The Day I Threw Out Every Plastic Plate in My House
There was spaghetti sauce on the ceiling. I'm still not entirely sure how the physics of it worked, but my oldestβwho is the cautionary tale for 90% of my parenting decisionsβhad just execute a flawless, unprovoked karate kick to the...
Debugging Tummy Time: What You Actually Need From A Baby Mat
There's this deeply embedded cultural myth that to successfully raise a functional human infant, you must provide them with a floor space that looks and sounds exactly like a Las Vegas casino. When Leo was about two months old, I...