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Why Babydoll Dresses Are Secretly a Parent's Best Friend
Itβs ninety-five degrees in East Texas, and my mother-in-law is trying to shoehorn my oldest child into a stiff, tulle monstrosity that looks like a wedding cake exploded. My kid is screaming like a feral cat in a church pew....
My Guide to Every Type of Gap Baby You Will Actually Encounter
I was sitting on the sticky linoleum floor of the Woodfield Mall family restroom when the reality of my life choices hit me. My toddler was screaming at a decibel level that usually triggers a code blue on a pediatric...
A Letter to Myself About That Mountain of Carter's Baby Clothes
Dear Jess from six months ago. You're currently sitting on the freezing concrete of the garage floor at 11 PM, six months pregnant, staring at three giant Rubbermaid tubs labeled "0-3 Months" and crying over a faded, mustard-stained onesie. I...
Debugging the Y2K Aesthetic When Your Infant Refuses to Flex
We were at our usual Saturday spotβthat overly loud Portland coffee roaster where the tables are made of reclaimed shipping palletsβwhen my eleven-month-old daughter simply stopped working. Her entire motor function API just failed. She was sitting in her high...
Raising a Baby Huey: When Your Infant Is Off the Charts
It was 2:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I was losing a wrestling match against a seven-month-old. The left leg went into the sleep sack fine, but the right leg was suddenly entirely incompatible with the fabric, mostly because the...
The Great Baby Myth And Other Delightful Lies We Tell New Parents
At precisely 3:14 AM on a rainy Tuesday, while scraping what I desperately hoped was mashed sweet potato off the nursery ceiling, I realised the central lie of modern parenting. Before the twins arrived, well-meaning relatives and aggressively pastel-coloured books...
The Real Reason My Babies Live in Sleeveless Summer Bodysuits
I was standing next to a kiddie pool in my sister-in-lawβs backyard, sweat pooling entirely too fast in my nursing bra, staring down at my firstborn son who looked like a boiled hot dog. It was the Fourth of July...
Surviving the Sand: The Truth About Newborn Beach Clothes
We were standing on the windswept expanse of a Cornwall beach, holding two four-month-old twins who were dressed entirely in matching hand-knitted merino wool cardigans. My wife had envisioned a deeply aesthetic Instagram moment featuring the moody British coastline and...
Why Good Infant Black Leggings Are The Only Baby Pants You Need
There I was, profusely sweating through my favorite nursing tank in the middle of a crowded pumpkin patch, trying to wrestle my oldest son's chunky six-month-old thighs out of a pair of miniature rigid corduroy overalls. He was screaming, I...