The Kylie Jenner Baby Daddy Setup: A 3 AM Letter To Myself
Youβre currently hiding in the downstairs loo, aren't you? Itβs 3:14 AM, the bathroom tiles are freezing through your socks, and youβve locked the door because the twins are finally asleep after a three-hour screaming match about who gets to...
Why a Proper Baby Bottle Brush Saved My Sanity (and Sleep)
Itβs 3:14 in the morning. Iβm standing in the pale, unforgiving glow of the microwave clock, holding a plastic cylinder that smells faintly of sour milk and utter despair. Upstairs in our cramped London flat, two identical two-year-old girls are...
Surviving the Baby Blue Bronco: A Parent's Guide to Tiny SUVs
Don't, under any circumstances, let a targeted social media algorithm convince you that buying a compact, retro-styled off-roader will somehow resurrect your pre-parenting coolness. I'm currently typing this with my kneecaps firmly wedged against the glovebox of what I can...
Welcome to the Baby Baby Baby Echo Chamber of Twin Parenting
I was standing in our galley kitchen at 4:13 in the morning, holding an electric kettle that I hadn't bothered to plug in, staring blankly at the wall while a rhythmic, pulsing chant echoed from the monitor clipped to my...
Surviving the First Five Years: A Twin Dad's Messy Guide
Yesterday at 6:15 AM, I found myself holding a dollop of peanut butter on a baby spoon, staring at my daughter Florence like I was defusing a bomb, while her sister Matilda was busy trying to lick the skirting board....
Surviving a Baby With No Money Left (Especially When It's Twins)
I was sitting in the driverβs seat of a 2011 Vauxhall Astra in the car park of St Thomasβ Hospital, staring at the NatWest app on my cracked phone screen. My wife was in the passenger seat, clutching a strip...
What the 100 Baby Challenge Sims 4 Taught Me About Real Twins
There's half a mashed banana firmly cemented to the kitchen ceiling, and I'm currently crouched behind the breakfast island while my two-year-old twin daughters aggressively negotiate the ownership of a wooden block using only high-pitched, dolphin-like squeals. It's 7:14 in...
Dear past Tom: Skip the polyester baby yoda costume
Dear Tom of six months ago, You're currently sitting on the sofa with a lukewarm cup of tea, looking at an online checkout cart. It's late September. You're feeling a misguided sense of autumnal whimsy, bolstered perhaps by the fact...
Surviving Dave Ramsey's Baby Steps With Actual Babies
When the twins arrived, I received exactly three pieces of financial advice within a forty-eight-hour window. My father-in-law cornered me in the hospital corridor to whisper that I needed to open a high-yield trust fund immediately. The following morning, a...