Magazine
Surviving A Cone Head Baby: When Your Newborn Looks Like An Alien
I had a spreadsheet for everything. Diaper count, precise bassinet temperature, best swaddle torque. But nowhere in my forty-two tabs of prenatal research did I account for the moment the delivery nurse handed me a creature whose skull looked like...
Why The Crack Baby Mitski Search Term Ruined My Tuesday Night
I was sitting cross-legged on the floor at eleven o'clock on a Tuesday, elbow-deep in a basket of sour-smelling toddler pajamas, when I saw it. The family iPad, which is supposed to be locked down tighter than Fort Knox, was...
What Nobody Tells You About Buying Cribs for Babies
I was sitting on the floor of what used to be my home office, dripping sweat onto a set of Scandinavian assembly instructions, clutching a tiny Allen key like a weapon. It was 2am. My wife was heavily pregnant with...
The Truth About The Cringe Ass Nae Nae Baby Meme & Sharenting
I was sitting in our local coffee shop back in 2018, wearing this horrifying mustard yellow sweater that I genuinely thought made me look like a cool Brooklyn creative but actually just made me look jaundiced. It was raining outsideβthat...
The Truth About Cry Baby Perfume & Why Fragrance Ruins Naptime
The clock on the microwave said 2:13 AM, and my living room smelled exactly like burnt caramel and aggressive strawberry milk. I was pacing the floorboards in my ratty nursing bra, bouncing my youngestβwho we affectionately call Baby Pβwhile he...
Why That Viral Cry Baby Popmart Figure Isn't Actually For Your Baby
I was standing at my kitchen sink, elbow-deep in cold oatmeal dishwater, when my 14-year-old niece shoved her phone directly into my face. On the screen was what looked like a perfectly round, tear-streaked child stuffed inside a tiny, fuzzy...
The Brutally Honest Truth About the Viral Baby Trend Wagon Myth
Itβs 98 degrees in the Target parking lot, and I'm sweating entirely through my shirt trying to aggressively shove a forty-pound cardboard box into the back of my minivan while my three-year-old licks a shopping cart handle. That box held...
Dear Past Tom: A Warning About The Dijon Mustard Situation
Dear Past Tom, You're probably reading this while standing in the maternity ward bathroom, staring at a tiny, screaming human you met roughly four hours ago. You're holding a nappy under the harsh fluorescent light, and you're sweating. You've just...
Playing Bread Baby I'm-a Want You Fixed Our 3AM Sleep Crisis
It's 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I'm writing this to youβwhich is to say, me, six months agoβwhile our son screams into my left clavicle like a dial-up modem failing to connect. I know exactly where you're right now...