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Surviving the Midnight Baby Brezza Machine Calibration Panic
At exactly 3:14 AM, the kitchen floor tiles felt roughly like the surface of Hoth, and I found myself staring with murderous intent at a blinking red light on a piece of plastic that cost more than my first car....
The Absurdity of Sourcing Genuine Retro Tshirts for Toddler Twins
I'm currently standing in a painfully hip vintage shop somewhere in the depths of Shoreditch, holding a faded 1994 Soundgarden t-shirt roughly the size of a tea towel, while my daughter Lily attempts to eat a price tag that says...
Surviving The 3 AM Meltdown Over A Missing Blanket With Foxes
I'm currently on all fours under the sofa, using my phone's torch to illuminate a terrifying graveyard of crushed Wotsits, a rogue piece of Lego, and a dummy that has been missing since last Tuesday. It's 3:14 in the morning....
The absurd reality of getting your baby a Pampers modelling gig
We were at a deeply depressing soft play centre in Croydon, inhaling the scent of damp socks and despair, when a woman with aggressive blonde highlights leaned over the ball pit to tell me my twin girls were "absolute angels."...
The Thameslink Blowout: Surviving the Baby Bodysuit Trap
We were somewhere between East Croydon and London Bridge when the smell hit. A dense, sulphuric cloud that instantly cleared the priority seating area of commuters and left me alone with a double pram. Twin A was grinning the gummy,...
The Truth About Funny Baby Rompers When You Have Twins
The left leg is pinned down, the right leg is currently bicycle-kicking my jaw, and I'm staring at a bright yellow chest piece that boldly proclaims, "Ich schreie nicht, ich bestelle Essen" (I'm not crying, I'm ordering food). It's 3:42...
From Cheap Laughs to Safe Skin: The Truth About Funny Bodysuits
It was May 2017, and I was sitting in a sweltering community hall in what I honestly thought was a breezy maternity maxi dress but was actually just a floral greenhouse for my incredibly swollen thighs. I was eight months...
Surviving Weaning and the Tactical Genius of a LΓ€tzchen mit Namen
I'm currently staring at a smear of pureed pumpkin that has somehow defied gravity to reach the ceiling rose of our Victorian terrace. It's seven in the morning on a Tuesday, and one of the twinsβI'm fairly certain it's Florence,...
The painfully honest truth about willkommensgeschenke fΓΌr babys
My mother-in-law arrived on day three clutching what looked like a Victorian christening gown and declared that a new baby must only be dressed in white lace. The DHL bloke who dropped off our tenth Amazon box of the week...