Baby Got Back: Surviving Sleep Paranoia and Toddler Defiance
My mother-in-law cornered me in the kitchen on day three of fatherhood to firmly insist that babies must sleep on their fronts, otherwise they'll choke on their own spit-up and perish before dawn. The NHS health visitor, who arrived three...
Why my baby due date calculator was a massive, statistical lie
The bathroom tile was unforgivingly cold against my bare feet, but I barely noticed because I was staring at a plastic stick with two faint blue lines, desperately stabbing at my phone screen. I had just Googled "baby due date...
Surviving the Grandparent Clash During Your Own Baby Boom
The greatest myth they sell you at the antenatal classes (right after the lie that youβll ever sleep for more than forty consecutive minutes again) is that grandparents are the ultimate, harmonious village. They picture a serene handover of generational...
Lil baby net worth: What a rapper taught me about raising twins
Dear Tom from exactly six months ago It's currently 2:14 in the morning, and if my memory of six months ago is correct, you're currently pinned beneath a sweating, thrashing two-year-old girl while her identical sister sleeps horizontally across the...
The absolute madness of tracking baby milestones in year one
I'm staring at a colour-coded spreadsheet at 2:14 in the morning while one of my daughters attempts to eat a rogue piece of lint she found in the folds of my pyjama top. The spreadsheet is titled 'Infant Progress Tracker'...
Surviving Twins with the Baby Brezza Formula Pro Countertop Robot
There's a very specific type of panic that sets in at 3:14 AM when you realise the expensive countertop milk robot you bought to save your sanity might actually be watering down your babies' food. I was standing in the...
Why the Baby Brezza Bottle Washer Pro ruined my kitchen sink
It's 3:14 AM. The yellow glow of the kitchen extractor fan is casting long, dramatic shadows across the worktop, and my left sleeve is completely soaked in tepid, sour-smelling milky water because I didn't roll it up high enough. I'm...
What I Got Completely Wrong About Baby Cereal
There's a patch of gray, cement-like substance currently adhered to the underside of my kitchen island, and I honestly don't think it's ever coming off. It has survived three rounds of antibacterial spray, a vigorous scrubbing with a wire brush,...
How A Mountain Of Baby Bjorn Gear Saved My Sanity With Twins
It was half-past three in the morning on day four of twin parenthood, and I was trying to eat a piece of cold toast while balancing one screaming infant on my left forearm and another on my right knee. My...